Just in time for Valentine's Day....

On March 3, Reggie and I will celebrate 7 years of marriage. I am an internal processor and introspective. So, I have already started quietly reflecting. There are a number of things I have evaluated and re-evaluated. Questions I asked and answered. Lessons and challenges revisited. The night/morning this was written, I was in such a state of mind. Exactly where am I? What have I accomplished? What have I learned? How have I grown? How has my life been impacted by our marriage? How has Reggie made me a better woman? How have I..?

Notice something? Yeah. These questions about our marriage are all about me.

Me. I. The anti-marriage focus.

The interesting thing is, the passage that came to mind to combat this train of thought (or path towards destruction, if you will...) was not your traditional marriage passage. We have attended marriage conferences and seminars (Weekend to Remember, Love and Respect, Art of Marriage). We have read relationship books and attended both pre-marital and marital classes (DNA of Relationships, Five Love Languages, etc). We answered 101 questions before we got engaged (yes, that is really a pre-engagement book). We participated in pre-marital counseling and took assessments.

In most (if not all), this familiar passage in Ephesians is addressed "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord... Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church..." (Ephesians 5:22-33). And, this passage in Genesis and Ephesians, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will be one flesh."(Genesis 2:24).
So, I sort of expected to be rebuked with one of those.

No.

This is the passage that God brought to mind:

Kim, in your marriage "If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ (which you've had), if any comfort from his love (which you have), if any fellowship with his Spirit (which you have), if any tenderness and compassion (which you have), then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider <your husband> as better than <yourself>. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of <the other>"*. (Philippians 2:1-4)

Ouch.



*italics are added for my emphasis

A (Not so) Gentle Rebuke: God Knows What you Need…People Don’t.

Dear Believers, Sisters and brothers in Christ, Followers of the One true God, 

Let’s talk.

Over the last year, I have learned many very valuable lessons, about the Lord, about myself, and about what it means to live in community with other believers. One (of the many) verses that has impacted me is, "Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." (Matthew 6:8).  I love this verse. It reminds me that God is Sovereign (supreme ruler of all) and that He is omniscient (knows everything). It reminds me that I do not need a formula or specific words, and even though I will not always "get it right" in prayer, He is still a loving provider. Yes, He likes to be asked – similar to my occasional desire for Enoch to actually ask me for a peanut butter sandwich at lunchtime, even though I’m preparing to give him one anyway. God knows. But, asking acknowledges our dependency on Him and our appreciation for who He is. Asking is a part of the relationship we are developing with Him. I love this.

My gentle rebuke is for those of us who expect people to be God. The verse says that GOD knows what we have need of before we ask. People don’t.  Your spouse, small group leader, friend, pastor, co-worker, etc. has no real clue about what you need unless you make your needs known. And, sometimes, you truly may not know what you need. You may realize something is amiss, but are unable to fully articulate how to "fix it". If that happens, its ok. But say that. Be honest. Be real. Be authentic. 

I am guilty of this (the Lord and my husband knows). I will be angry about something. Well, honestly, I will usually be hurt or disappointed by something, and it manifests itself as anger. My husband will ask me what is wrong. You know the typical answer - a huffed up, eye-rolling, neck-cocking, foot-stomping  “Nothing.” And then I sulk off into a corner or room, alone.

Lies. All lies.

I may try to hide it under the guise of "keeping the peace" or, if I try to put a biblical spin on it "living at peace" as much as it is left up to me. But, this is not keeping the peace, or being polite, this is lying. And lying is sin.

There is something wrong. My husband knows it, I know it, God knows it, and any living individual in the general vicinity knows it. 

There seems to be this cultural thing within American Christian churches where we go from one extreme to the other – we either complain and fuss about everything with a sense of entitlement or we pretend that everything is “hunky-dorey”(whatever that means), and tell everyone we are good, life is good, church is good, and God is good (all the time).  Meanwhile, we are crumbling, depressed, angry, bitter, withdrawn, and “breaking up" with spouses, family members, friends, churches, pastors, schools, jobs, and whoever or whatever else fails to meet our needs and expectations.

Disagreements within the Body of Christ are not new. Paul saw his share and was personally involved in some (with Peter and Barnabas). He pleaded with two women to be of the same mind in the book of Philippians. Disagreements happen. How we handle them makes the difference.

"In your anger, do not sin..." (Ephesians 4:26a - actually the entire chapter is great to read for this)

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses..."(Matthew 18:15-16)

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.." (Philippians 2:1-5, again, the entire chapter is helpful)

Only God is perfect, and perfectly holy. The Bible tells us that.

 “There is no one holy like the LORD, Indeed, there is no one besides Thee, Nor is there any rock like our God (1 Samuel 2:2).

The rest of us are fallen, imperfect individuals, prone to blow it, disappoint, deceive, and frustrate. The Bible tells us that.

“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23)

So what we need is God's grace.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Then, we are to extend grace to others,

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25)

So, the next time someone blows it, fails you, disappoints you, or falls short of your expectations, do them a favor and tell them, then, try to cut them some slack. And prayerfully, they will work to do the same with you. 

Gratefully His,

Kim

Joy Comes in the "Mourning"

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Corinthians 4:17

What a difference a year makes.

In 2012-13, Reggie and I were in the midst of the hardest season of our marriage. There was one challenge and unmet expectation after another as we experienced a bit of circumstantial whiplash. We were weary, frustrated, and anxious.

I was angry. I had no joy. And most dangerously, I had lost hope.

I was sure God had abandoned us and secretly determined that I would do well to return the favor.  But, David’s words came to mind “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; 
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me,
 your right hand will hold me fast…” (Psalm 139: 7-10)

If I "abandoned" Him, where would I run? Who would I turn too?

At my lowest point, I sat on the bathroom floor, weeping – lamenting - questioning the meaning and purpose of life.  As God would orchestrate, it was the life that I carried (unbeknownst to me at the time, they were twin girls) – and my 2 year-old son – that God used to begin to bring me out of despair. They needed me – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And, the struggles we faced were but “light and momentary troubles” in the grand scheme of all that God has planned for our lives. How short-sighted I was to want to give up the journey because I hit a roadblock or two.

The truth is, life sometimes sucks. I cannot think of any other way to phrase it. It just does. We get sick. Loved ones die. Longings go unfulfilled. Relationships die. Financial struggles arise. It happens. But, be assured, joy comes in the morning and mourning.

When I “snapped back” into reality, our circumstances did not miraculously change. But, that brief moment of sanity led me to share with my husband my level of despair. He recommended we take that despair to friends, who then took it to God – with us and for us.  And, in the midst of mourning, came joy. In the middle of not having employment or a place to call our own, of being in a new state, with a 2 year old, while pregnant with twins – came a life-saving reality – God is still God. That brings joy. There is joy in knowing that I belong to the God who created the earth with just the words “let there be”. He is powerful enough to fix my problems. There was joy in knowing that the same God from whom I could not escape in my anger, I could not escape in my pain. He is everywhere. There was joy in knowing that the same God who countless times rescued His people both physically and eventually, eternally, could rescue me. He is loving. There is joy. 

And, where there is joy, there is hope.

As you read this, if you are wondering if God has abandoned you, He has not. If you are wondering if He hears – He does. Joy does come in the morning. 

As I reflect over the year, I have seen God as Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides.

He has provided a place of our own and the resources to cover our family.  He has granted new life. I think about friends, who this time last year were grieving the loss of a parent. This year they are celebrating the arrival of a new baby. Other friends were grieving the loss of unborn children. This year, they are looking forward to the coming arrival of a child.  Another wonderful reminder of His grace in our lives is found in the names and joyful personalities of our twin daughters, conceived and birthed during this stressful season…

Isabella Joelle means “devoted to God”and “Jehovah is God"

Issa Joy means  “God saves” and "joy"

Indeed, joy comes in the mourning/morning.

Grateful,

Kim

Desert Song by Hillsong encouraged me tremendously through this season. May it encourage you as well.

Psalm 30

I will extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up,
 And have not let my enemies rejoice over me.

O Lord my God,
I cried to You for help, and You healed me.

O Lord, You have brought up my soul from Sheol;
 

You have kept me alive, that I would not go down to the pit.

Sing praise to the Lord, you His godly ones,
 and give thanks to His holy name.

For His anger is but for a moment,
 His favor is for a lifetime;


Weeping may last for the night,
 but a shout of joy comes in the morning.

Now as for me, I said in my prosperity,
“I will never be moved.”

O Lord, by Your favor You have made my mountain to stand strong;
 

You hid Your face, I was dismayed.

To You, O Lord, I called,
 and to the Lord I made supplication:

“What profit is there in my blood, if I go down to the pit?
 Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me; 
O Lord, be my helper.”

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; 


You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.


O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Legacy Building, pt 1 - Just One

The last few months have left me thinking quite a bit about legacy. October is a hard month for my family. My mother died on October 8, twenty-three years ago. My grandfather died October 22 of last year, and this year, a beloved pastor passed away on October 4. It’s just hard.

But, in the shadow of this sadness, I see this awesome opportunity God has given us - given me - to leave a godly legacy, to raise a new generation, and to leave a mark in a different place. And, I am humbled, grateful, overwhelmed and afraid.

Leaving a legacy is no small thing. It can change the course of someone’s life. It can change history. And, I have recently come to understand more fully that an impact can be made in someone’s life thru small gestures, simple conversations, and short time frames as much as it can within a lifetime. The issue is what we choose to do with the time we have allotted with the people God places in our lives.

Take the account of the Ethiopian eunuch in Acts 8:26-40. “Now an angel of the Lord said to Philip, “Rise and go toward the south…And he rose and went. And there was an Ethiopian, a eunuch, a court official of Candace, queen of the Ethiopians, who was in charge of all her treasure. He had come to Jerusalem to worship and was returning, seated in his chariot, and he was reading the prophet Isaiah. And the Spirit said to Philip, “Go over and join this chariot.” So Philip ran to him and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet and asked, “Do you understand what you are reading?” And he said, “How can I, unless someone guides me?” And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him… Then Philip opened his mouth, and beginning with this Scripture he told him the good news about Jesus.  And as they were going along the road they came to some water, and the eunuch said, “See, here is water! What prevents me from being baptized?” And he commanded the chariot to stop, and they both went down into the water, Philip and the eunuch, and he baptized him.  And when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord carried Philip away, and the eunuch saw him no more, and went on his way rejoicing.”

This brief interaction is covered in fourteen verses. 14. Yet tradition identifies this eunuch as the founder of the Ethiopian church.  Just one man.

Last week, in Richmond, CA, we saw examples of this. Time To Revive led an evangelistic “blitz” in our city called ReviveRichmond. For five days, teams of people went to different parts of Richmond to pray with people and tell them about Jesus. Not get them to join a church. Not ask for money. Not condemn them. Not judge them. But to tell them the good news about a God who loved them enough to send His son to die on the cross for their sins.  To tell them about a God-Man who loved them enough to die for their sins. And present the opportunity for them embrace it. And some did. We don’t fully know what God will do with this. We don’t know whose lives will be changed. But, I trust that there will be families who will be turned around because of this time. There are communities that will be impacted. Who knows, but the entire course of history can be set on a different trajectory. From just one conversation in just one day in just one week. Just one. 

Building a legacy,

Kim

A Blessing is A Blessing

It’s been one of those days nights weeks.

It is 6:30am. And for the second night I have awakened at 12:30am-ish to nurse the babies and I am unable to fall back asleep. It’s been one of those crazy, busy weeks. The hubby has been pulled away more than I would’ve liked, making for long days and even longer nights.  There are my on-going post-partum physical challenges – because pregnancy alters everything. The almost 3 year old is being…an almost 3 year old. I have a long list of to-dos that feel like they are never getting done.  I am overwhelmed. And angry.  

I start my mental raving about birth control, and sleepless nights and no more…

And I stop.

I am gently reminded of four years ago. Four years ago I was angry for another reason - the exact opposite reason. I wanted a child and a year after a miscarriage – nothing. I was overwhelmed. And angry. 

I do that sometimes - way too often actually. I will forget that a blessing is a blessing. And falsely believe that blessing means "absence of difficulty." It doesn't. 

I have a tendency to be like the Israelites. On the heels of being delivered from the Egyptians after 400 years of slavery, seeing God perform unbelievable miracles, and watching as their captors were destroyed, they forgot that a blessing is a blessing. Freedom was a blessing. But, with freedom came certain responsibilities. When faced with challenges, such as being unable to find water or the food that they wanted, they grumbled and complained, proclaiming that they would have preferred to go back to Egypt.  Clearly, they had forgotten.

And, so had I. These three beautiful children are an answer to prayer. They are fun (and funny) to watch. They bring joy and are a reflection of God’s grace. They are living examples of God doing “exceedingly, abundantly above all could ask or imagine.” (all 3 were born after I turned 36).

Yes, there are certain responsibilities that come with parenting. A lot. My life and body are not my own. Some “balls drop”, and other things will take longer to get done. Parenting stretches me, and at times, (like tonight/this morning) overwhelms me. But here is the truth,

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.

Blessed is the man
 who fills his quiver with them!” Psalm 127:3-5.

And, as I am finishing this posting, the toddler comes joyfully running in, lays his head on my shoulder, sings “Good morn-ging, Mommy” and goes off to play with his trains and truck. Remembering that a blessing is a blessing…

Kim

In the Father’s Presence

I’ve been watching Enoch lately. At two years old, he is in that imitation stage. He imitates actions, words, intonations, and, from his momma, facial expressions. But, I have noticed something else. As much as I have seen ways that he imitates me, it is nothing like his interaction with his daddy.

Recently, I have noticed that he simply wants to be with his father, doing whatever he does. If it is building a bookshelf, Enoch grabs his tool chest, and comes right alongside to "help Daddy". If Reggie sits backwards on a chair, Enoch does it. He imitates everything – how daddy eats, what daddy drinks (“Enoch make coffee too”), and how daddy helps others. When he is disciplined by either of us, or simply not happy about a situation, he can be heard wailing, “Daaa-ddy”.  He loves his father, and knows that his father loves him. So, he wants to be like him, and wants to be with him – even in the face of discomfort.

The most eye-opening experience occurred this past Tuesday. Enoch has been having difficulty sleeping thru the night for about a week, waking up screaming and/or crying at least twice. Tuesday night, Reggie decided to sit in the chair in Enoch’s room. Just until he fell asleep. Enoch slept thru the night. Not a sound. Just the comfort of falling asleep in his daddy’s presence gave him peace.

I long to be like Enoch. To love the Father so much that I strive to imitate Him in every way. Even when it seems impossible. I long to be so attentive to what God is doing, that without question, I jump in, because I have already settled in my mind that if Daddy is doing it, it must be good. I long to learn to cry out for “Daddy”, even when He disciplines me, because I know it is because He loves me and He can rescue me. I long to be able to rest. To be at peace simply because I know that Daddy is with me.

 

This week, I am drawn to this psalm 

Psalm 84

"How lovely is your dwelling place,
 Lord Almighty!

My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; 
my heart and my flesh cry out 
for the living God.

Even the sparrow has found a home,
 and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young

—
  place near your altar,
 Lord Almighty, my King and my God.

Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
 they are ever praising you.

Blessed are those whose strength is in you, 
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.

Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty listen to me, God of Jacob.

Look on our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one.

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; 
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God 
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; 
no good thing does He withhold 
from those whose walk is blameless. Lord Almighty, 
blessed is the one who trusts in you."

Resting in His Presence,

Kim

Tolerating vs Embracing

We live in a culture where “tolerance” is a buzz word. Employers instruct employees to be “tolerant” of one another’s religions, sexual preferences, lifestyles, etc. There are “tolerance” classes and seminars. Some groups are bashed for being “intolerant” when they don’t agree with the actions or belief systems of another.

Recently, however, God has challenged me on my “tolerance” levels. Particularly when it comes to His will. See, there is a problem with tolerance. It is incomplete. For purposes of the post, let’s use Merriam-Webster definitions of tolerance as “1) capacity to endure pain or hardship; 2a) sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own 2b) the act of allowing something."

Tolerant people have the mindset of putting up with something.

Now, contrast that with embracing, defined as “1a)to clasp in the arms : hug

1b) cherish, love 2) encircle, enclose 3a to take up especially readily or gladly 3b) to avail oneself of : welcome.

You know the difference. That annoying co-worker who doesn’t understand personal space. The boss who has all of the answers and no people skills. The family member who sucks the life out of family gatherings with complaining, fighting, begging, etc. Those are people we tend to tolerate. You endure them for the sake of enduring- usually because you feel as though you have to do so. And, it is rarely enjoyable.

However, there are those people we embrace. The sweet woman at church who always seems to have the right words to encourage, and if nothing else, a big hug. That friend who has your back – supports you and rebukes you as circumstances warrant it. Your sibling who knows your hopes and dreams, and has been your best friend for as long as you can remember. Your child. Your spouse (hopefully). You want to spend time with them. You treasure it, arrange for it, look forward to it.

Transfer that to God’s will. I have come to realize over the last 2 weeks that I have been tolerating God’s will during this move. It is evident in thoughts like this “You’re God, you’re going to do what You want anyway.”  “I moved to Cali to obey You. Isn’t that enough?” "I’m here, but I don’t like it one bit.” Yes, I have obeyed, but I’m just putting up with His plan for now. Sure, I’ll serve as needed. Use my gifts when it is warranted, but underneath it all I simply view it as “enduring pain or hardship”.

He wants me to embrace His will. That does not mean it will not be difficult. That does not mean there will not be times when I want out.  But the attitude behind it will not be one of tolerating His will (and thus, Him), but one of embracing - out of love. Because I love Him, I am willing to do what He has called me to. Because of my love for Him I can respond as Paul “I count it all as dung for the sake of knowing Christ” or, like Mary, "May it be to be as you have said." Or, Christ “Not as I will, but thy will be done.”

I am learning that the distance between tolerance and embracing is a short, four letter walk – LOVE, but it will take a lifetime to fully achieve it. I’m starting my journey today.

Embracing HIM one day at a time,

Kim

Gillespie Jan/Feb Update - Expect the Unexpected

If we had to choose a theme for 2012, it would be ”expect the unexpected.” 2012 began full of plans, hopes and dreams. We had direction – we knew that sometime during the year we would be relocating to Richmond, CA. The anticipation was more than we could bear. Yes, we were nervous, unsure of what the future would hold, but we were excited to see what God would do. And we were full of expectations. 

We expected to move in June and decided Reggie would go ahead to start working and secure housing. Enoch and I planned to join him a month later after tying up loose ends in TN and spending time in North Carolina with family. We expected (assumed) that our family was complete for now. We began having conversations about adopting in the future. We expected a smooth, easy transition into 

California living, getting into a home and feeling settled by six months. We expected to develop amazing relationships with those in our community as a result of hosting in our own home. 

Reality was… 

Within two weeks of leaving Tennessee, several employment prospects fell through, in very odd ways, while a couple of people informed us that God laid it on their hearts to support us as missionaries. We never mentioned we planned to be missionaries. In fact, we had no intentions of being full time missionaries again, but God was making it very clear that those were His plans for our lives.  

Six weeks after arriving in CA, Reggie and I had a conversation that we believed our family was complete for the time being, and we would look into adopting in the future. Unbeknownst to us, we were already pregnant. And, at our 20 week ultrasound we found out we were pregnant with twin girls.   

Our transition has been anything but smooth. We stayed in 5 temporary housing situations in 7 months – with a two year old, while pregnant, and adapting to a new and very different culture. 

We have developed amazing relationships. But, not in the way we had anticipated. We have been the recipient of God’s grace as people have hosted us, prayed for us, prayed over us, encouraged us, supported us, cried with us, loved on us, given to us, and held us up in what has been some of our weakest moments. 

We admit, we do not want a repeat of the challenges of 2012. It has, by far, been one of the hardest times of our lives. Yet, we see God’s hand in the unexpected. We have grown tremendously in 7 short months. We have learned to trust God more. We have learned to pray with fervency and expectation. We have learned that God is a provider even when the provision does not look as we expected. We have grown together as a couple, learning to fight for and with one another in trying times instead of against one another. We have learned that God sustains.  And we have seen true community in action. Oh, and in 2013 we have decided to free ourselves from expecting anything 

other than God to be God. 

While we have seen God’s hand in unexpected ways in our personal lives, we have also seen Him move as we have used our gifts of serving, teaching, craftsmanship, wisdom, etc. 

There have been many opportunities to serve our community, from weekly Saturday services where breakfast is served to the homeless and under-served in our area to hosting our 1st eye clinic, which provided eye care services (including free glasses) to almost 500 people 

in our county. Pictured from top to bottom: Thursday night weekly outreach to the Richmond High football team, our first Victory Weekend Women’s retreat and children from AWANA, our outreach to children in Richmond.

I feel like LHNC is a modern day Gideon’s army - a picture of God’s ability to do much with very few- in the end He gets the glory! 

Breaking free from expecting anything other than God to be God, 

Reggie, Kim, Enoch (and the twins) 

Prayer  |  Praise 

• After 7 months and many, many prayers, we are finally in our own apartment!!!!!  
• Kim had the opportunity to speak at our Victory Weekend women’s retreat Jan 11&12. It is amazing to hear of ways women have and are experiencing victory in their lives. You can hear all of the talks at www.lhnchurch.org. Go to “Sermons”. 

Please pray… 

• That the pregnancy will continue on smoothly, with no complications and that the twins go full term. …In the words of Enoch, Kim has a very “BIG belly”  
• That we are aware and obedient as God provides various ways for us to serve our community. 
• Continue to pray for our support raising/ministry partner development. We are praying for and trusting God to be fully supported by the time the twins arrive.  

Your financial support can be given online at lhnchurch.org or mailed to

Living Hope Neighborhood Church 2800 Rheem Ave.  |  Richmond, CA 94804 

The Challenge of the Call

“Then he said to them all: ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23

“Jesus replied, ‘Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.’”Luke 9:58

“In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.” Luke 14:33

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Where in these passages does it say that if I follow Christ, obey His commands, follow Him and His will, I will live happily ever after?

Right. It doesn’t. In fact, these passages indicate quite the opposite.

Yet, I have led myself to believe that is the case. I had decided that since we obediently uprooted our lives, rented out our safe, suburban home, and moved across country to the “hood”, we were destined to live “happily ever after”. And, when the opposite occurred, I emotionally crashed.

The truth is, I suspect many of us secretly subscribe to this thinking. I have come to think of it as an “undercover” prosperity gospel. No. We don’t voice the belief that God wants to only bless you with good health, great wealth and easy living, but we live like it.

I’ve thought things like “This move to California is out of obedience, so things will just fall in line…” I was told things like, “God will bless your obedience. He will open doors in response.” Well meaning. A bit of truth. He has blessed our obedience, but those blessings were not things “falling in line” how I wanted them to.

Quite the contrary, nothing has manifested itself in the way I desired, planned or expected. There has been one challenge after another. And, my natural tendency has been to question if God has really called us here. Surely obedience would not be met with hardship and instability. Surely hardship means we are on the wrong path. But… maybe not.

David, after being anointed king, spent years on the run from his current king, Saul. Yet, his challenges did not change his calling.

Joseph had dreams that he would one day be in authority over his family years before he became the 2^nd in command Egypt. Those years were filled with betrayal, false accusations, abandonment, slavery and false imprisonment. Yet, these things did not change his calling.

Christ is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Alpha and Omega, yet he walked earth as the Son of Man, and was ridiculed, betrayed, denied, abandoned, beaten and killed. These challenges were His calling.

As much as I admittedly loathe the challenges we face, as much as I cry out like David “How long?” and “Why have you forsaken me?” As much as I want to call out like Christ “Take this cup away from me”. I am comforted in knowing that we are not alone. There are challenges associated with the call. So I hold onto God’s truth. “And, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6  

Holding fast,

Kim

Confessions Of A Reluctant Missionary

“Please send someone else. “

“Is it right for you to be angry…?”  “It is, and I’m so angry I wish I were dead.”

“I knew it—when I was back home, I knew this was going to happen! That's why I ran off…”

“I have had enough, Lord.”

At some point along this journey I have uttered these words (or at least thought them). During the first three weeks of our time in Richmond, there had been one unexpected challenge or unmet expectation after another. Combine that with being unsettled, exhausted and a bout of severe insomnia (about 5 hours of sleep in 72 hours)…Yeah. I’d had enough.

But, before you judge me.

You need to know that these words were first uttered by powerful, memorable, although, somewhat reluctant men who were used by God. Moses, who split the Red Sea, and led over 1 million Israelites to freedom, uttered the first phrase. Jonah, the man responsible for preaching a message that led to the repentance and salvation of a nation, said the second two. And Elijah, the man who successfully challenged 7000 prophets of Baal, predicted a drought and effectively prayed for its end, and rode off into heaven in a chariot of fire led by horses of fire (for goodness sake!), said the last. Yeah, I’d say, I’m in good company.

What I have learned over the last few weeks is to just hang on. The fog does clear. Joy really does come in the morning. Joy, not to be confused with happiness. Our circumstances have not changed significantly, but my attitude has. Joy and hope has replaced the anger, despair and frustration that I felt. My trust has shifted as I focus more on God’s purpose in the madness, and not the madness. That has made the difference.

In spite of their frustrations, the men above did some pretty amazing things. And God didn’t change a single one of their circumstances. Moses still led a bunch of rebellious, distrusting people. Elijah still had to go into hiding and trust God to provide in unconventional ways. God still chose to spare a nation of people that Jonah didn’t like. But, in each of their assignments they saw God do things that they never would’ve seen if they chose the safe, easy way out. I guess I’ll stay.

Learning to be a less reluctant missionary,

Kim

The Rest of the Story: Just Say “Yes”

“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? ”And I said, “Here am I. Send me!” Isaiah 6:8

Why are you going to California? Why Richmond? It’s 'hood. Do you know what you are getting yourselves into? Do you know how expensive it is in California? But you have a baby. It’s so different from Tennessee…

These are several of the questions and comments we have received over the course of planning the move to California. Truthfully, these are also all questions and comments I presented to the Lord. But, at the beginning of my protest (which occasionally reappears), I read Isaiah 6. Changed my perspective.

Reggie first presented the opportunity to pray about going to Richmond last April. My first response was a very emphatic, very definite, very clear “NO!” “NO, I am not taking my son to California.” No, I am not leaving my house.” “No, I am not leaving my comforts.” “No I am not leaving my church.” “NO!” Hah!

The problem is, I had already committed a “Yes.” Two years prior, Reggie and I were sitting in Asheville, NC watching a few of their homeless population. We watched the artistic types hustle, the tourists walking around, and we dreamed. We said, “This would be a perfect place for a church plant.” Mind you, we didn’t feel called to plant, we just saw the need, fell in love with the environment, and opened our hearts. We proceeded to list people we thought would be “down” with planting in that type of environment, including the man we believed would be the pastor. Mind you, he was not a pastor…yet.

Then, we became antsy. We had talks about moving to a more eclectic neighborhood in Nashville. We told a few of our friends about our discussion, including the “future pastor”. We even told him if he ever planted a church, we could see God leading us to be a part. I remember going to a friend’s wedding in Los Angeles. Loved it, and had the nerve to send my current pastor a message on Facebook, jokingly asking him if he ever considered planting “Strong Tower Bible Church - West, as in California". Do you see where this is going? I had already committed a “Yes”.

Back to last April.

Reggie came home one day telling me that our friend, the “future pastor” (who was eventually ordained), was led to help pastor a church-rebirth in Richmond - Living Hope Neighborhood Church. He went on to share about the church, its mission to love God and love people, how they serve the homeless community, are passionate about sharing the gospel, and how they are discipleship and community focused. Then, he reminded me about our previous conversations (our “Yes”), and encouraged me to at least pray about it. I researched a little, and decided that I had no need to pray about it. “No!”

As God would have it, a dear friend of mine previously asked me to speak at Impact’s staff women’s retreat on experiencing revival in your heart and your calling. Let’s see - an opportunity to share God’s word (which I love), with Impact women (whom I love), on the beach in Florida. Absolutely. Another “Yes.”

So, I prepared to share about Isaiah 6. I went thru how Isaiah's revival occurred after he was “ruined” after getting a vision of God’s glory. How his being ruined led to his repentance. How his repentance led to God’s cleansing, which eventually led to God asking two simple questions “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And Isaiah replied, “Here am I. Send me.” Obedience.

There it is, plain and simple. Obedience. For a few years I had been asking God what my calling was. What He wanted me to do with my life.  What I was supposed to be when I grew up. And it was really quite simple. Obey when He called. Just say, “Yes.”

In Isaiah’s account, God did not initially tell Isaiah where He would send him, what it would involve, or how it would happen. He simply asked “Whom shall I send?” And, I realized that’s how many others in the Bible received their calling. Abraham was told to just “Go.” Noah was told to “Build”. Moses was told to “Lead.” Mary was told to “Birth.” Paul was told to “Preach.” And Jesus was told to “Die.” But, many of the details came after “Yes.”

So, we said, “Yes.” We didn’t have all of the details. We still don’t. We still are not sure what our roles will be, or how things will look. We are still looking for employment, still looking for housing. All we know is God said years ago “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And we said, “Here we are. Send us.”

Daily striving to say “Yes”,

Kim