Knit Together

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139: 13

This psalm has been one of my favorites for years. It speaks to the reality that God is ever present, everywhere, at all times. It reminds me that He is the infinite Sovereign Ruler over all, yet He is intimately aware of and concerned about all of aspects of my finite little life. He created me, sees me, knows me, protects me, comforts me, cares for me, and redirects me.

He. Is. There.

I have reflected on this psalm in numerous situations. In times of loneliness, misunderstandings, or rejection, I have been comforted by, “O Lord you have searched me and you know me” (v.1). In times when I have been angry with God, or determined to secretly “nurse “a sin, I am reminded. “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?...even darkness will not be dark to you, the night will shine like the day”(v. 7, 12) In time of confusion about life’s direction I remember, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” (v. 16) When I am in praise mode, reflecting on God’s wisdom, goodness, kindness, His “awesome-ness”, and how He simply IS, I think, “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain” (v. 6).

And yet, with all of the ways God has used this psalm to impact my life, He reveals yet again that its application is inexhaustible. He has chosen to use yet another verse to bring me to my knees in humility, gratefulness, awe, and thanksgiving. “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

For years, I have taught young ladies this verse, being reminded and encouraged personally, that God created us to be exactly who He wanted us to be, exactly how He wanted us be. He knit me - knit you – together in our mothers’ wombs. Yet this time, it’s application is different. This time – I am the mother!

In the weeks since we have found out we were expecting (we are 2 months along), God has taught me new lessons every week. Trusting that these lessons will continue, I will obediently share the journey. We covet your prayers. Blessings!

Learning to rest even more,

Kim

Choose Life

I’m thinking that right about now, my life looks very similar to a high ropes course. The first time I mustered enough courage to do “Tree Tops” was at Kids Across America (KAA - U KNOW!). I vividly remember the experience. Fear. Excitement. Anxiety. Anticipation. There was this sense of impending accomplishment intertwined with this other nagging sense of impending doom. But, tackle it I did - though not alone. The key for this particular course is that you go tandem. There were parts of the course that you simply could not make it through without the aid of another person. However, this isn’t the part that is like my life. Maybe that’s next week’s lesson.

This week’s lesson is tied into the admission that I was majorly afraid to take the first step. The conversations were similar to this:

“But you’re strapped in.

“I hear you” (with much sarcasm)

“Look the carabiner is firmly secured, you’re bolted in”

“Yep, it sure is…” (and more sarcasm)

“But you’re not alone, you won’t fall, trust me”

“Uh huh, that’s what you say now.”

And, there is this week’s lesson. I approach trusting the Lord in the same manner.

“Kim, I hedge you in behind and before”

“Yep, Lord, I hear You.”

“I’m the creator of the universe, I create all life and sustain all life, all the days ordained for you were written in my book long before any of them came to be.”

“I know.”

And so it goes…

I know the truth. I fully recognize that God knows the number of hairs I have on my head. I know that not a sparrow drops from the sky without His knowledge. I know that He has ordained a plan and purpose for my life and that I am His workmanship created to do good works and that He who began a good work in me will complete it. Knowledge is not the problem. Faith is. The decision to act in accordance with what I know and say I believe.

I learned a very valuable lesson on that course - I lived. I lived to tell the story. I lived to encourage others who would do the course after me. I lived to be a witness to others that the carabiners do work and the bolts are secure. And, I lived – I experienced something that I never would have experienced had I chosen to reside in bondage to fear (which strangely enough often promotes itself under the guise of safety and security). I made the decision to act in accordance with what I knew and what I said I believed. And, I lived.

The question is, “Today, will l I live my life in a way that reflects what know about who God is and what I say I believe about Him?” Will I trust that regardless of how things may look, or how challenging the course ahead may seem, God really is in control? Will I choose to move beyond the fear, and stop trying to convince myself that I’m just being safe?

Will I choose to live?

-Still learning to rest,

Kim

New Creations

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

This verse has taken on a totally different meaning for me as a result of my time with the young ladies of the Sweetwater House in Ghana, West Africa. Their stories are varied, yet similar. Tales of betrayal and denial, neglect and abuse, guilt, shame, pain, and just plain evil. There are those who had been shifted from family members to friends, from one village to another, some in hopes of financial reprieves, others for the sake of education. Some had been “hired” as house help, only to be cheated, beaten and deprived of the security they sought, many by members of their own family. And then, there are those who were victims of the evil Trokosi slave system. These girls were sacrificed as children to live a life of servitude to fetish priests (witch doctors). Their families betrayed them under the lies that their lives would be sufficient to pay debts, “secure” good fortune, or stop a series of deaths or illnesses.

All before any of them reached the age of 20.

On the surface, their lives represent nothing that is joyous.

But God…

God saw fit to redeem them from the pit. He orchestrated meetings, directed steps and brought them to a place He had reserved for them…a place of sweet water instead of bitterness. The house isn’t what made the difference. The difference is Who they met in the house. Christ.

These girls have moved from places of bitterness and despair to hope and joy - thru Christ. They have been rescued from slavery, sin, idol worship and evil – by Christ. They are renewed by Him, loved by Him, protected by Him, provided for by Him, redeemed by Him, reconciled to Him. They are His children “crowned with steadfast love and mercy” (Psalm 103:4). They are His daughters who have received “crowns of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Isaiah 61:3) They are indeed “His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:10). God has blessed the work of their hands, poured His word into their hearts, and will soon send them out to share His gospel with their mouths and feet.

“How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!” (Romans 10:15).

If ever I needed to see a picture of a new creation, I have seen it now. Twenty-four of them. To God be the Glory!!

Still Resting,

Kim

There is a popular saying that a picture is worth a thousand words. I have included a “before” picture, when the young ladies first arrived at the Sweetwater House and “after” pictures, from our time with them last week.

The Fly

Ever been distracted? Totally, absolutely, distracted (and frustrated) by a fly?  That is my current situation. In the midst of trying to complete a paper, this persistent, pesky little fly keeps landing in my vicinity. Always within eyesight, never within reach. And, this has been going on for a few hours now. I have a towel poised in my lap, waiting for the right time to strike. Yet the time never comes. He keeps eluding me. In the meantime, I’m wasting time. Not focusing on the important thing, the task at hand, the thing that really matters - my paper.

That’s sort of how life is isn’t it? We find ourselves occupied by things that really don’t matter. In the grand scheme of things what does God care about the house we build, the car we buy, the money we make, the prestige we have, whose name(s) we wear on our shoes, clothes, phones, etc. There is eternity at hand. Why do we pursue the things that are always in our eyesight – yet never, or at best, occasionally within our reach? But even when we get them…

Like this dang fly. Even after (if) I kill him, there’ll be another. Yet another thing to distract me. The key is the focus, perspective. Look at Paul…

 “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:7-9, 13, 14).

Now, back to my paper...

Pressing to rest,

Kim

End of Self

Last weekend I got together with a group of friends that I met in Dallas 11 years ago. This trip to Philly marked the first “girls time” we’d had in 6 years.  Had a blast! The last six years have been marked by several changes: new ministries, new cities, new jobs, a new baby, a new man J.

 

As we reminisced, I realized how much we had walked thru with one another.  Health issues (one received a successful liver transplant several years ago, and survived 3 bouts with cancer),  “colorful” dating experiences, heartbreak, marriages, starting new ministries, birth (we were ALL in the birthing room while the first one of us to have baby was in labor.  Don’t worry, we were ushered out before the big event!), even death. What I realized is that we have each seen, experienced, walked thru, and prayed thru some amazing difficulties. And in response, we’ve seen God do some amazing things.

 

On the last night together, we talked about where we are currently- emotionally, spiritually, physically. One phrase came to my mind - “end of self”.  As each one of us shared, I realized that there is something going on in each of our lives that would require the “end of self”.  We’ve all been there before. We’ve seen it in each others’ eyes in the past. We know what God can do with it, SEEN Him do it before. But still…

 

How does the “end of self” look, you ask?

 

The end of self looks like Hannah who after years of infertility and emotional torture at the hand of her “rival” “In bitterness of soul…wept much and prayed to the Lord.” (1 Samuel 1)

 

The end of self looks like David who while fleeing from his son Absalom writes “To the Lord I cry aloud, and He answers me from His holy hill…Arise O Lord, Deliver me, O my God!”  (Psalm 3:3,7)

 

The end of self looks like the woman who had been subject to bleeding for 12 years, and after spending all that she had on doctors, determined that she would push thru the crowd for she knew “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed” (Matthew 9:20-22)

 

The end of self looks like the Canaanite woman, whose daughter was demon-possessed, crying out, “Lord, Son of David have mercy on me!” And even after Christ’s response telling her that He came for the Jews first (“It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs” ), she persisted with “Yes, Lord, but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from the master’s table.” (Matthew 15:21-28)

 

The end of self looks like Peter who after he stepped out to walk on water, saw the wind and beginning to sink, cried out “Lord, save me” (Matthew 14:25-31)

 

The end of self is the end of our self-determination, self-reliance, self-preservation, self-confidence, self-image, even self-control.

 

It is coming to the realization that we can do nothing apart from God and must abide in Him. (John15).

 

It is not being anxious about anything but in prayer and petition with thanksgiving presenting our requests to Him. (Philippians 4)

 

It is seeking first the kingdom of God…and not worrying about tomorrow because tomorrow really has enough worries of its own. (Matthew  6)

 

It is recognizing that the God who feeds the sparrow, also knows the hairs on our heads.

 

 It is keeping our eyes on Jesus who is the Author and Finisher of our faith. (Hebrews 12)

 

What is the end of self? It is the overwhelming realization that I alone cannot change my circumstances. Not the head knowledge of this fact, but the “deep in my heart and soul and all that is within me” realization. It’s the “Lord I can’t take it any more” realization. It the realization that drives the lyrics of this hymn home:

 

I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord, No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

   I need thee O, I need thee, every hour, I need thee, O bless me now my Savior, I come to thee.

I need thee every hour, in joy or pain; Come quickly and abide or life is vain.

  I need thee O, I need thee, every hour, I need thee, O bless me now my Savior, I come to thee.  (Annie Hawks, 1872) 

Struggling to rest in His Sovereignty,

Kim

Pondering God's Sovereignty

I've pondered something lately. Why do we only talk about God's sovereignty when things aren't well?

The loss of a job. "God is sovereign, He has something better planned." The loss of a child. "Rest in God's sovereignty, He knows your pain. He knows what He's doing." Struggling with life, finances, relationships, etc. "God is in control. He knows all, rules all..."

I'm starting to believe that part of my struggle with God's sovereignty isn't necessarily with His sovereignty at all. I'm starting to see that a significant issue is with my interpretation of His sovereignty.

Webster defines sovereignty as "supreme power especially over a body politic; freedom from external control; controlling influence; one that exercises supreme authority". Supreme is defined as "highest in rank or authority...degree or quality...ultimate, final".

Applying these definitions, God is the highest in rank and authority, in degree and quality. He is free from external control and is the ultimate controlling influence in the universe. He does not report to anyone, nor does He ask for permission to do anything. He sustains all. He is.

Paul states it this way, "The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.'For in him we live and move and have our being.'" (Acts 17:24-28)

Seems to me that is nothing to fear, nothing to fight. Yet, I do. I fear His control because it means that I am not. But honestly, I'm double-minded. I have no problem when the "living and moving" works in my favor. When He didn't heal my mother and she died, I spent years in "masked" anger. Yes, that was His Sovereignty. When He allowed me to meet my husband, graciously under some of the circumstances that I prayerfully requested years prior, that too was His Sovereignty. 

I'm slowly beginning to realize that resting in God's Sovereignty is going to require a paradigm shift. God is Sovereign. Period. When I get the new job. God is Sovereign. When I lose one. He's Sovereign. When it's sunny. He's Sovereign. When I'm caught in a storm. He's Sovereign.  When life goes how I want. God's Sovereign. When life sucks. The God who made the world and everything in it is Sovereign. Period. And I'll strive to remember that "God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us..." 

Still learning to rest,

Kim 

Missing God

“…For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose”

Philippians 2:1

What do you know about missing God? Not missing Him as though He has gone away, but missing Him in action. I've had that experience quite a bit lately.

I’ve been so focused on what God has not done yet, that I’ve completely missed what He's been doing. If I’m honest, I tend to miss God when He doesn’t answer my prayers the way I expect (ok let’s be real- the way I want). But, He answers -according to His good purpose for my life. That’s where I missed it.

After coming out of the classroom, I expected God to have another opportunity waiting for me right around the corner. I’ve seen that before. As a matter of fact, every time I’ve moved to another state (and thus into another job/school) that has been the pattern. I get restless, I pray, He tells me to prepare to leave, I question, He confirms, I leave, He provides. And, I live “happily ever after” until the next time the pattern emerges. True to form, the pattern emerged. I got restless, prayed, left and….

A year and a half later, I’m still waiting on the provision. Or so I thought. As it turns out, I’ve simply missed the provision. After two days of darkness, crying, moping, complaining (i.e. a temper tantrum), my sweet husband comes home and asks a simple question “Do you want God’s will for our lives?” Light bulb! I’d missed it!

In January (yep January) I sensed I needed to schedule a meeting with someone. Two months later I finally did it, only he spent the majority of the time telling me I needed to go back to school, where to go, etc. Not interested. A few months prior, a friend of mine mentioned the exact same thing. Got the exact same response, “Uh, nope, not interested." Turns out, God was beginning to work in me to will according to His good purpose. Missed Him.

I was frustrated because I wanted to find a new career, a new calling, and those doors didn’t open. God granted me part time opportunities that took care of our needs, but allowed me the emotional rest and healing I didn’t know I would need. (The miscarriage was confirmed the day I was due back to start school – how would I have survived that year?) Missed Him.

I was overwhelmed by the fact that I didn’t connect with any of the jobs I’d come across. Mind you, I am not afraid of work. And, I have desires of how I want to serve. God said that I’m not ready yet. There is more preparation needed – school is a part of that. Missed Him.

I’ve complained about not being able to do/get everything I’ve wanted. Yet, God has provided all that we have needed – with a few wants thrown in just because.

Missed Him.

Oh, and the kicker? I just realized that I actually started this degree program about 13 years ago, but the timing wasn’t right. There were other things God needed to do in my life. Now, going back to school for counseling makes much more sense. Thirteen years ago, the desire was there, now some of the life experiences have caught up. Now for the training…

So, how are you missing God? What things are you believing in Him to provide that it seems He hasn’t done, at least not how you’d like? How has He answered, but not quite how you expected? I’ve spent useless energy and time in frustration simply because I’ve missed Him. I haven’t trusted that He really is working in me to will and to act according to His good purpose. Not just any purpose, but His GOOD one. I’ve missed it. Oh, and the next verse in Philippians says “Do everything without grumbling and complaining…” I've blown that, but that’s another blog…

Still learning about…

Resting in His Sovereignty,

Kim