The Challenge of the Call

“Then he said to them all: ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23

“Jesus replied, ‘Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.’”Luke 9:58

“In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.” Luke 14:33

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Where in these passages does it say that if I follow Christ, obey His commands, follow Him and His will, I will live happily ever after?

Right. It doesn’t. In fact, these passages indicate quite the opposite.

Yet, I have led myself to believe that is the case. I had decided that since we obediently uprooted our lives, rented out our safe, suburban home, and moved across country to the “hood”, we were destined to live “happily ever after”. And, when the opposite occurred, I emotionally crashed.

The truth is, I suspect many of us secretly subscribe to this thinking. I have come to think of it as an “undercover” prosperity gospel. No. We don’t voice the belief that God wants to only bless you with good health, great wealth and easy living, but we live like it.

I’ve thought things like “This move to California is out of obedience, so things will just fall in line…” I was told things like, “God will bless your obedience. He will open doors in response.” Well meaning. A bit of truth. He has blessed our obedience, but those blessings were not things “falling in line” how I wanted them to.

Quite the contrary, nothing has manifested itself in the way I desired, planned or expected. There has been one challenge after another. And, my natural tendency has been to question if God has really called us here. Surely obedience would not be met with hardship and instability. Surely hardship means we are on the wrong path. But… maybe not.

David, after being anointed king, spent years on the run from his current king, Saul. Yet, his challenges did not change his calling.

Joseph had dreams that he would one day be in authority over his family years before he became the 2^nd in command Egypt. Those years were filled with betrayal, false accusations, abandonment, slavery and false imprisonment. Yet, these things did not change his calling.

Christ is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Alpha and Omega, yet he walked earth as the Son of Man, and was ridiculed, betrayed, denied, abandoned, beaten and killed. These challenges were His calling.

As much as I admittedly loathe the challenges we face, as much as I cry out like David “How long?” and “Why have you forsaken me?” As much as I want to call out like Christ “Take this cup away from me”. I am comforted in knowing that we are not alone. There are challenges associated with the call. So I hold onto God’s truth. “And, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6  

Holding fast,

Kim

Confessions Of A Reluctant Missionary

“Please send someone else. “

“Is it right for you to be angry…?”  “It is, and I’m so angry I wish I were dead.”

“I knew it—when I was back home, I knew this was going to happen! That's why I ran off…”

“I have had enough, Lord.”

At some point along this journey I have uttered these words (or at least thought them). During the first three weeks of our time in Richmond, there had been one unexpected challenge or unmet expectation after another. Combine that with being unsettled, exhausted and a bout of severe insomnia (about 5 hours of sleep in 72 hours)…Yeah. I’d had enough.

But, before you judge me.

You need to know that these words were first uttered by powerful, memorable, although, somewhat reluctant men who were used by God. Moses, who split the Red Sea, and led over 1 million Israelites to freedom, uttered the first phrase. Jonah, the man responsible for preaching a message that led to the repentance and salvation of a nation, said the second two. And Elijah, the man who successfully challenged 7000 prophets of Baal, predicted a drought and effectively prayed for its end, and rode off into heaven in a chariot of fire led by horses of fire (for goodness sake!), said the last. Yeah, I’d say, I’m in good company.

What I have learned over the last few weeks is to just hang on. The fog does clear. Joy really does come in the morning. Joy, not to be confused with happiness. Our circumstances have not changed significantly, but my attitude has. Joy and hope has replaced the anger, despair and frustration that I felt. My trust has shifted as I focus more on God’s purpose in the madness, and not the madness. That has made the difference.

In spite of their frustrations, the men above did some pretty amazing things. And God didn’t change a single one of their circumstances. Moses still led a bunch of rebellious, distrusting people. Elijah still had to go into hiding and trust God to provide in unconventional ways. God still chose to spare a nation of people that Jonah didn’t like. But, in each of their assignments they saw God do things that they never would’ve seen if they chose the safe, easy way out. I guess I’ll stay.

Learning to be a less reluctant missionary,

Kim

The Rest of the Story: Just Say “Yes”

“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? ”And I said, “Here am I. Send me!” Isaiah 6:8

Why are you going to California? Why Richmond? It’s 'hood. Do you know what you are getting yourselves into? Do you know how expensive it is in California? But you have a baby. It’s so different from Tennessee…

These are several of the questions and comments we have received over the course of planning the move to California. Truthfully, these are also all questions and comments I presented to the Lord. But, at the beginning of my protest (which occasionally reappears), I read Isaiah 6. Changed my perspective.

Reggie first presented the opportunity to pray about going to Richmond last April. My first response was a very emphatic, very definite, very clear “NO!” “NO, I am not taking my son to California.” No, I am not leaving my house.” “No, I am not leaving my comforts.” “No I am not leaving my church.” “NO!” Hah!

The problem is, I had already committed a “Yes.” Two years prior, Reggie and I were sitting in Asheville, NC watching a few of their homeless population. We watched the artistic types hustle, the tourists walking around, and we dreamed. We said, “This would be a perfect place for a church plant.” Mind you, we didn’t feel called to plant, we just saw the need, fell in love with the environment, and opened our hearts. We proceeded to list people we thought would be “down” with planting in that type of environment, including the man we believed would be the pastor. Mind you, he was not a pastor…yet.

Then, we became antsy. We had talks about moving to a more eclectic neighborhood in Nashville. We told a few of our friends about our discussion, including the “future pastor”. We even told him if he ever planted a church, we could see God leading us to be a part. I remember going to a friend’s wedding in Los Angeles. Loved it, and had the nerve to send my current pastor a message on Facebook, jokingly asking him if he ever considered planting “Strong Tower Bible Church - West, as in California". Do you see where this is going? I had already committed a “Yes”.

Back to last April.

Reggie came home one day telling me that our friend, the “future pastor” (who was eventually ordained), was led to help pastor a church-rebirth in Richmond - Living Hope Neighborhood Church. He went on to share about the church, its mission to love God and love people, how they serve the homeless community, are passionate about sharing the gospel, and how they are discipleship and community focused. Then, he reminded me about our previous conversations (our “Yes”), and encouraged me to at least pray about it. I researched a little, and decided that I had no need to pray about it. “No!”

As God would have it, a dear friend of mine previously asked me to speak at Impact’s staff women’s retreat on experiencing revival in your heart and your calling. Let’s see - an opportunity to share God’s word (which I love), with Impact women (whom I love), on the beach in Florida. Absolutely. Another “Yes.”

So, I prepared to share about Isaiah 6. I went thru how Isaiah's revival occurred after he was “ruined” after getting a vision of God’s glory. How his being ruined led to his repentance. How his repentance led to God’s cleansing, which eventually led to God asking two simple questions “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And Isaiah replied, “Here am I. Send me.” Obedience.

There it is, plain and simple. Obedience. For a few years I had been asking God what my calling was. What He wanted me to do with my life.  What I was supposed to be when I grew up. And it was really quite simple. Obey when He called. Just say, “Yes.”

In Isaiah’s account, God did not initially tell Isaiah where He would send him, what it would involve, or how it would happen. He simply asked “Whom shall I send?” And, I realized that’s how many others in the Bible received their calling. Abraham was told to just “Go.” Noah was told to “Build”. Moses was told to “Lead.” Mary was told to “Birth.” Paul was told to “Preach.” And Jesus was told to “Die.” But, many of the details came after “Yes.”

So, we said, “Yes.” We didn’t have all of the details. We still don’t. We still are not sure what our roles will be, or how things will look. We are still looking for employment, still looking for housing. All we know is God said years ago “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And we said, “Here we are. Send us.”

Daily striving to say “Yes”,

Kim

MOVING Forward

Israel Houghton's "Moving Forward" is my theme song these days, because it’s time for “The Move”.

We are making plans to move to Richmond, California this month. Actually. This week.

This season has been filled with so many emotions. One minute we are eagerly anticipating the possibilities that ministry in Richmond holds, the next minute there is anxiety over leaving the “ease” of the Bible belt.

There will be excitement over the close proximity to beaches, diverse cultural experiences, and California living, followed by a wave of sadness at not being able to enjoy these things with those that we are leaving behind.

Yet, we realize that we are not alone in this. The same God who has cared for us in the other places we have lived (Chicago, Johnson City, Dallas, Cape Town, Orlando, and Nashville) goes before us now. My favorite psalm still rings true…”you discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways…You hem me in, behind and before” (Psalm 139:3, 5).

Since we are in the throes of packing, visiting, and preparing for our lives in Richmond, it feels like we are caught in a whirlwind. But, God has graciously given us a year to prepare our hearts for the transition. Along the way, we have been asked many (many) questions about why we are moving. I hope to briefly answer a few of those here.

Why are you moving? We are moving to be a part of a church re-vitalization, Living Hope Neighborhood Church (http://www.lhnchurch.org)

Are you going alone? No. There is a couple from our current church that has already relocated, and another family will be going as well. In addition, there are 2 families from our church that “randomly” ended up with jobs in the same area.

What will you be doing? We are going with open minds and the desire to serve wherever, and however necessary. There are so many opportunities and various ways to use our gifts. It really feels like a blank slate and fresh start.

How did you make this decision? Long story. The short version is, a few years ago Reggie and I talked about our openness to being a part of a church that we believed some friends of ours would eventually plant. At the time, we assumed it would be in the Nashville area. Not. Years later they felt called to Richmond, CA and we decided to pray about joining them. One thing led to another, which led to another, and here we are. At some point I’ll share the full story.

How can we pray right now?  Peace. Smooth transitions and adjustments. Peace. Employment (there are several possibilities, but nothing definite yet). Peace. J Long-term housing. Safe travels.

Stay tuned!!

Moving forward
The Gillespies

Bypassing the Process

I hate processes. Well, maybe that’s too harsh. I strongly dislike them. For instance, I love capturing memories, and will save pictures, ticket stubs, etc. in hopes of preserving them. But, I hate to scrapbook. Takes too long. I love needlework, having learned to crochet and knit. But, I hate to start a project. Takes too long. I love to eat exotic meals. Hate to cook them. Takes too long. See the pattern?

As I was taking a walk yesterday, I came across a few trees in our neighborhood that had been damaged in recent storms. No, they were not destroyed by the heavy winds that came on the heels of the tornados that devastated towns in Alabama and Missouri. These trees were blown over or broken by gentler winds.

I had always liked them, Bradford pear trees. In the Nashville area, they are among the first to bloom, signaling the arrival of spring. They grow quickly, and are relatively inexpensive, making them a popular landscaping choice. There is no need to wait years for them to mature and bloom, unlike some of the more expensive trees that they resemble. However, their blooms fall early, the flowers smell rancid (the smell has been described as similar to "rotting flesh"), and they are prone to being damaged by winds of mere thunderstorms. They are, in essence, a “cheap fix” for those who want a particular look without having to pay the cost or go through the process. Get where I’m going?

James 1:2-4 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

I admit, I have not done well with considering my trials pure joy. I’ve more often than not responded with anger or frustration. I have missed the reality that it is the process that produces the desired result of maturity and completion. It is the testing of my faith that encourages me to press on in anticipation of seeing God move. The joy comes as a result of knowing the trial isn’t in vain. There is joy in knowing that I will be stronger, more mature, more like Christ, on the other side.

It is a challenge to go through the process, to not be like the Bradford pear. We want to grow quickly, painlessly, and effortlessly. We want to bloom early and look mature, but have little desire to press through. However, when minor storms blow through, we cave. Yes, there is fruit, there are flowers, but the petals fall as quickly as they bloomed, and quite honestly the flowers often smell, because they are produced under wrong motives, by our own strength or for our own glory. I’m not sure about you, but somehow, this tree isn’t as appealing to me as it once was. Neither are our shortcuts to God.

Learning to embrace the process,

Kim

Ruined

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs…And they were calling to one another: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory…“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”…Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand…with it he touched my mouth and said, “See…your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.” Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!” Isaiah 6:1-8

It brings me to tears just imagining this scene. God, in all of His glory, took it upon Himself to give a regular, finite human being a glimpse, a mere glimpse, of who He is. And it ruined the man.

That’s the thing. One cannot have a true encounter with the Lord and remain the same. Sure, we can read about Him. Even, hear about Him. But, we cannot experience Him and stay as we were.

Most people will not have the testimony of such a vivid encounter as Isaiah. But, there have been times when we have stood on top of a mountain in awe. Or maybe we have stood at the edge of an ocean, or flown over the earth, or watched trees change or a baby grow, and marveled. Perhaps, He has allowed you to be the only one in your family to have a relationship with Him. And, you simply cannot understand why. Perhaps He saved your life, literally. Maybe He has provided for you in a way that there is no other explanation, but His movement. We have these. And, as a result, we are (or should be) ruined.

The thing is, seeing God for who He is causes us to see who we are: finite, imperfect, inglorious, sinful people. This is the beginning of the revival – being ruined.

Revisit the times when you have seen God and it ruined you. Regardless of where you are now, how you feel about life, at peace or in turmoil, you have these moments. Retrace the steps of your heart and write them down. God is doing some amazing things in us, and the people around us. We are humbled. Awed. And, quite honestly, a bit frightened. But it is good.

Ruined,
Kim

Losing Control

Last Saturday was “one of those days”. Actually, that “day” probably started Tuesday and simply culminated Saturday.

I’m an internal processor, which my nice academic way of saying I think way too much. My mental torment began last Tuesday, as I lamented over the storms blowing through. By Thursday, I was in deep sorrow over the lives lost across the south, and in a panic over the reality that I could not prevent such things from occurring here. I can do my best to protect us if we are faced with such forceful winds, but our safety is in the hands of the Lord. That reality should’ve brought me comfort. It didn’t.

By Saturday, after a night of attempting to console an irritable, teething baby, oversleeping, leaving my home at the time I needed to arrive at my destination 40 minutes away, I’d had it. I lost it…control.

That’s the interesting thing about control. It’s an illusion. I am continually scrambling for it, but it does not truly exist. Psalm 139 reminds me that all the days ordained for me were written in God’s book before one of them came to be. Sure, I have free will. I can influence some things, affect people, manipulate possibly, But I am not in control.

There is a saying “Because God is in control, I don’t have to be”. I wish I could say that this always brings me comfort. It doesn’t. And I wondered why.

And it hit me. When I am resting in Christ, I don’t struggle against Him. Resting means, I fully believe that through Him all things work together for the good of those who love Him. It does not say that everything will be good, but that things work together for the good. When I am resting in Him I realize that He gives me everything I need for life and godliness. Resting in Him means that when I look at the fruit of self-control, I remember that don’t have to do it. It is a fruit of the Spirit, which means HE cultivates it, not me.

I had been living this week in quite the opposite, not in rest, but in fear and anxiety. In fear, I buck against God’s love and view it in terms of getting or not getting my way. In fear, I grasp after things, mistakenly believing they belong to me, not that I am a steward of them and that all things, relationships, etc. are temporal. In anxiety, I panic, trying to come up with solutions, only to discover loopholes, which provoke more anxiety. It’s a vicious, deadly cycle, which only leads to hopelessness and despair.

Last Saturday, after my dear hubby affectionately kicked me out of the house for some time alone, I headed to dinner. As I walked out of the restaurant, this is what was playing over the system. I just smiled and nodded…

"What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear.

What a privilege to carry, everything to God in prayer.

Oh, what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pains we bear.

All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer…"

Losing Control,

Kim