Week 40 – Empty Bowl

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23

I think my fruit bowl is about empty. I’m looking over this list and at 40 weeks pregnant, I feel as though most of my fruit has been eaten. And, it grieves me really.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the majority of this pregnancy, as I have marveled over the miracle of it all. I think back to the first trimester, when only an ultrasound served as visible proof that there was indeed a child in here. I smile as I currently watch a foot glide from one side to the other. I remember being grateful during the nauseous stage, reminding myself that was part of the process of pregnancy. I reflect on the tears shed over hearing of people’s prayers for us, and seeing their responses to hearing our news. There are definite times when I can say I’ve seen more fruit in my bowl.

And, here we are at 40 weeks, 3 days past the due date, and I find I need to restock. The thing with the fruit of the Spirit is that they are not relegated to “right conditions” in order to be displayed. Raging hormones are not an excuse to not be loving, kind, gentle and good. Lack of sleep and difficulty moving around does not excuse me from having joy, being at peace and exercising self-control. Being 3 days beyond man’s time does not mean I need to lose patience and stop being faithful. If anything, this time reflects a greater need for the fruit of the Spirit. But, there is one key thing.

The fruit of the Spirit is a reflection of walking by the Spirit. There is my breakdown. I have reached the point where I want, what I want, when I want it. Now! Since I have decided that this time is all about me - having the house cleaned exactly how I want it, the room organized according to how I feel, when I feel it, the baby coming by Oct 30, then Nov 5, ok maybe the 10th…for sure the 12^th… I have chosen to walk by my flesh.

Reality check: I can’t walk by my flesh, and somehow miraculously reflect the Spirit of God – it’s that salt spring producing fresh water and grapevine producing figs that James wrote about. Not going to happen.

So, it’s time to readjust. It’s time to revisit the lessons I’ve learned about trusting God and His sovereignty. It is time to remember how God has answered prayers, sustained, provided for and protected us. It is time to do what He has reminded me in both the beginning and end of pregnancy is a necessity to bearing fruit – abide in Him. Here’s to restocking.

Fruitfully yours,

Kim

Week 39 – Conversations

This week is a reflection of the many thoughts and concerns flooding my mind. There has not been one particular passage that “spoke” to me. It is more like a series of conversations with the Lord, as I contemplate (or worry about) all of the upcoming changes (labor, delivery, child-rearing, etc.). Here is what I mean:

I’m not sure I’m going to be able to do this naturally.

You can do all things as I give you the strength. Be content. Trust me. (Phil 4)

Even after all of the classes, how do I really instruct Reggie to help me thru the process of labor and delivery?

Pray without ceasing. Remind him to just pray over you when both of you are clueless. I know exactly what you need. (Ephesians 6, Psalm 139)

When is this baby going to come? What can I do to help the process? Which midwife will be on rotation?

All the days ordained for this baby have already been set. The baby will arrive when and as I have planned for the birth. (Psalm 139)

How are we going to do this?

I am with you always. Abide in me. Just pray and rest. (Matthew 28, John 15)

But how will things work? Scheduling? Finances? Growing in our marriage?

Trust in me with all your heart, lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your path straight. (Proverbs 3)

But, there are things that need to be different. How do we keep our child from making the same mistakes (or struggling with the same sins) we have made?

No one is righteous, no one. Raise the child in the way he/she should go, in awe, respect and healthy fear of me. Instruct him/her in my ways, and when s/he is old, they will not depart. Even if they wander, my Word does not return void. (Proverbs 22, Romans 3, Ephesians 6)

And, for those times when I still didn’t get it, I was reminded – again…

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ” (Philippians 4:6-7)

In His arms,

Kim

Week 38 – And Still Abiding

Abide in Me, and I in you. As a branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me…He who abides in me, and I in him bears much fruit, for without Me you can do nothing. John 15:4, 5b

Recently, a team of individuals from our church returned from an educational trip to Israel. Each one that I have had the opportunity to talk with has given a different testimony of which experience or teaching time was among the most memorable. The story that strikes me is the teaching of the vineyard from John 15.

At seven weeks pregnant, this is the passage that spoke volumes to me as I grasped the definition of abiding. At that time, I marveled over the fact that there was a child currently abiding, making him/herself home in me, depending on me for sustenance, health and well being. He dwells. She rests.

How fitting, then, that as I near labor this is the passage that resurfaces. Although the baby will no longer abide in me, s/he will still abide with me. He will still depend on me for daily needs - food, transport, and comfort.

The teaching time my friend shared was how the Jewish gardener would tend to his vineyard with care. Those branches that were productive, were pruned, to make more productive. Those that were attached to the vine, but were on the ground, were “picked up” and “cleaned”. They were lifted off of the ground, rinsed off and placed on the wall, to be made more productive. Finally, those branches that had fallen off, no longer attached to the vine, in essence, dead, were still useful. They too served a purpose in the garden and were placed along the wall. The key is that the gardener is the one who did all of the work. All branches ended up in a position of purpose because the gardener placed them there. Those that were attached to the vine were fruitful, thus more productive, but nothing was useless.

My decision is how I will choose to be used. Those who are attached to the Vine-Christ, abiding and dwelling in Him are shown to be much more productive- as HE defines productivity - fruitful. But, the productivity does not come from performance, reputation, striving. The branches are incapable of pruning, cleaning or placing themselves on the wall. Productivity comes from abiding or making ourselves at home in Him. Contrary to how things may look, we do nothing.

During this time I am tempted to become obsessed with how we will raise this child. He must be respectful. She must be obedient. I want him to do this. I would love for her to do that. Truth be told, the greatest gift we can give this baby is to abide in Christ, the Vine. If we are resting in Christ, He will give us the wisdom to raise the baby in the way he should go. After all He created him. God will show us how to bring up the child in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. He wired her. He will point this “arrow” in the direction it should go. He ordained his days.

Our role? Abide. God’s role? Everything else. Sound easy enough….

Still abiding,

Kim

ps. Thanks Stacey for sharing this teaching time with me!

Week 37 – Still Walking

“Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water.” Matthew 14:28

It was over two years ago that I began walking on this path of the unknown (again). Trust me, I understand that life is full of unknowns, but there are specific landmarks and time periods that I am able to pinpoint knowing without a doubt God was calling me to trust Him.

In April 2008, I had the opportunity to share with a group of women about this journey. During that time, I was studying the account of Peter’s walking on water. For years, I looked at this story as an account of Peter’s failure, his lack of faith. With a judgmental finger, I wagged “How could he not trust Jesus to keep him afloat? How dare he focus on the wind!” The more I studied, the more I realized Peter was the only one in the boat who demonstrated faith, albeit shaky. With his characteristic boldness, he requested “Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water.” And he did. As his surroundings changed (wind, waves), he panicked, looked away from Jesus, and began to sink. His cry, “Lord save me”, was answered by Christ, who immediately caught him while saying “Oh you of little faith, why do you doubt?”

I admit, I’m like Peter. Two years ago, I stepped out of the boat. I obediently left my job excited about what He had in store. But it was unknown. And the “season” lasted longer than I expected or desired. I only knew what I walked away from, completely clueless about what I was walking towards (I only knew “Who” I walked towards). Along the way, I had plenty of wind and waves – several closed doors, miscarriage, redirected steps, struggles with “funks” and depression. For a considerable amount of time, I focused much more on the wind and waves, futilely trying to figure out how to save myself. Unsurprisingly, it was all to no avail. Finally, I thought to call out “Lord, save me.” Like Peter, I was faced with the words “Oh you of little faith”. I vividly remember this because the same morning I re-read this passage, and several other passages highlighting people of “little faith”, a friend I had not communicated with in ages, randomly texted that she woke up believing that she needed to pray that I would have faith and trust God. Got it.

The problem with wind and waves is that they can keep you from seeing the shoreline and your destination. They tend to make you think things are far worse than they are. Waves change your perspective, and your orientation. They throw you off balance. Wind and waves can be dangerous, but they are also unpredictable and untrustworthy. That is why you don’t focus on them, but on the stability of the Rock.

I’d love to say that all of my unknowns are revealed. They are not. I will say that I have seen Christ’s hand grab hold of me time and time again as I walk. What I’ve also learned is that this "walking on water" isn’t a one-time occurrence. There have been (and will be) plenty of times when I am faced with the opportunity to step out, walk on water and trust God with the results (um, we are having a baby!) . Peter just watched Jesus feed 5000 men (not including women and children) with two fish and five loaves of bread. The temptation is to say “God, I know what you did that time, but this is different.” Truth is, circumstances change, but God does not. The same God who caught Peter, catches me, and catches you. The same faith that Peter needed to walk on water - we need to walk and live daily. I am not sure what lies ahead, but I’m still believing that the adventure is worth it, Ask Peter, after all, no one else in history has been able to say that they walked on water.

Still walking,

Kim