Week 20 - Covered

You hem me in, behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Psalm 139:5,6.

I often forget this reality. There are times when I allow life’s circumstances to overwhelm me. Times when I give Satan far more credit and power than he’s due. There are times when I fail to acknowledge that all the victories and challenges that come my way have had to pass through the Lord’s hand before ever reaching me. I am hemmed in. Covered.

As typical these days, this verse came to mind as I marveled at the movement I felt within me. I reflected on how peaceful the child must be, how much he is able to rest, how protected she is. I thought of all that I have read about the way God has created a mother’s body to shield the child from outside elements and trauma. He is protected and hemmed in. Covered.

It’s unbelievable how protective I am of what’s going on inside of me. I nudge away the dog if she gets too close to my stomach. I hold handrails tightly as I go up and down stairs. I watch what I eat and drink. I am determined as much as it is within my control and power to protect this child from danger. And, yet in the back of my mind I realize that this will not be my only role. There will come a time when I will have to discipline and correct, to allow the child to learn from his mistakes and be challenged - all in love.

And I smile.

I smile because I realize this is how God is with us. Those of us who are His children are protected and covered. And while it is fully in His power to withhold some things, there are times when He disciplines and corrects, times when He challenges and stretches us. How sweet to be able to rest like an unborn child, with the simple knowledge that we are in His hands.

As much as I would want to completely and forever protect the child, she cannot stay in the womb forever. He must come out. She must face the world and all that it has to offer. At that time, my ability to hem him in completely will be over. Yes, I can offer some protection, some covering, some peace, some rest. However, ultimately I will need to hand her over to the Lord where she can be totally and completely…covered.

Desiring rest,

Kim

Week 19 - Fixing My Eyes

On this Father’s Day I sit recognizing that I have been fixing my eyes on a lot of things lately, but Christ is not one of them.

It’s so easy, so tempting to be overwhelmed by life. There is always something pressing, always something that needs to be done. There is the obsession with the past, anxiety about the future. All of this brings with it an element of “fixation”- an intent or obsessive focus or concentration on something. The problem is that those things we tend to obsess over cannot save us, and frequently are of no eternal value whatsoever.

For example, I want the nursery to look a particular way. I’ve had dreams of this time. But at the end of the day, the child could care less about what paint color, crib, dresser and décor I choose. And, if I’m honest, that’s more for me and the “oh’s and ah’s” that I seek. Do these things matter? To some extent, I suppose. But should I be obsessively focused on it. No. Is it worth disagreements with my husband, anxiety and debt? Absolutely not.

See, we have it twisted. In so many instances we give far more attention to the “stuff “that we place a child in – crib, clothes, shoes, etc., and far too little attention to the “stuff” we place in a child – introduction to the things of Christ, character, discipline. The truth is, it’s a reflection of our own lives. We can only model what we believe to be true. Our fixations betray our hearts. They reveal what we truly believe about what protects us, provides for us, and gives us value.

What do you spend most of your time concentrating on? Obsessing over? Your health? Your finances? Possessions? Job? Home? Family? (yes, family). None of these things belong to us anyway, they are on loan, and we are simply those who have been assigned to care for them temporarily. They are not what define us. Christ does. Christ has.

So why not fix our eyes on the one who owns it all?

“Fix your eyes on Jesus, who is the author and finisher of our faith…” Hebrews 12:2

Week 16 - Becoming Great

There is something about impending parenthood that causes one to take stock of her life. As well it should, I suppose.

For as long as I can remember I have aspired to “greatness” (whatever that means). I’m sort of a “jack of all trades”. I love learning new things, but have somewhat of a short attention span. Once I’ve learned “enough” (whatever that is), I’m ready for the next thing (this has been true in all but three areas – teaching, writing and God’s Word).

In recent years, I have taken the time to reflect on the many careers I have desired from childhood. Some pursued. Others dreamt about. There was a running theme – each would have allowed me to enjoy fame and/or fortune. Either would have been acceptable, both were highly desired. Yet, God has a sense of humor. As I investigated pursuing an MBA in international business, He decided that a pit stop was needed – seminary. Mind you, this little detour didn’t disturb me much. I figured I’d spend two years learning about Jesus and theology (after all, that was a “good thing” to study), then go back to minding my own business (hoping God would mind His) by doing the international business thing. That (the MBA) never happened. As a matter of fact, during my first mission trip, while touring a school in Ghana, God very clearly said “Well, you don’t get more international than ministry”. That settled it.

The problem is the fame and fortune thing didn’t completely go away. It simply laid dormant waiting for the opportunity to rear its head. And, it still does.

Tonight, as I lay in bed mentally thumbing thru the pages of my life, I panicked, wondering what would become of me over this next year, over the next few years. How could I possibly attain “greatness” (i.e., fame and fortune) as a stay-at-home mom? What do I do with my experiences, my education, work? Have I missed my opportunity? What will become of me? Where will I find my significance?

Gratefully, before I went to bed I voiced all of this to my dear hubby who knew enough to just pray. And, as I lay in bed pondering, wondering how do I get beyond this striving for significance and “greatness”, and trying to find my place and purpose, this passage came to mind:

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ…Philippians 3:7,8.

In other words, I have spent my life desiring (albeit secretly) the wrong “greatness”- my imagined version of greatness that somehow continually eluded me because each accomplishment left me striving for and wanting an even “greater” one. AND, to make matters worse, there was always someone else who was “greater”.

But, there truly is SOMEONE ELSE who is far greater, and it is knowing Him – not reading about Him, not learning about Him, not studying about Him, not knowing about Him - but knowing Him, intimately, like one knows the habits and character of a beloved child, sibling, spouse, or friend - it is knowing Him, to the point of wanting to give Him my all because I love Him just that much –THAT is greatness.

Week 15 - Horses and Chariots

This week I have been presented with the option of having genetic testing. Rather, it has been highly suggested that I accept testing, due to certain perceived “risk factors”. As we attempted to explain our position on amniocentesis, quad tests, sampling, etc., this verse ran thru my mind “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.” Psalm 20:7.

I’ve heard this verse before, as it’s meaning has been applicable to several circumstances in my life where I’ve trusted in my education, reputation, job, etc. to bring about a particular desired result. However, in this instance, the “horses and chariots” are the medical advances and technology that would encourage me to try to fulfill the role of God.

In the case of genetic counseling and testing, some advocates tout it as highly recommended in equipping parents to be fully prepared for what lies ahead. For some parents this means providing the opportunity to make decisions regarding whether or not to bring a child into this world based upon test results. For others it is said to allow time to process and prepare.

The problem is, in my conversations, even the “owners” of the horses and chariots admit that results can be skewed and inaccurate. As a result, I’ve heard stories of parents terminating healthy pregnancies or spending countless days unnecessarily worrying about the future. Thus the wheels of the chariots occasionally falter and the horses periodically fall.

So you see, when it came to genetic testing, we determined that the results would not change how we proceeded, so we opted out. Furthermore, we decided to stick with the Lord, the One who made both the “horse” and the “chariot”, the medical advances and the physicians. The Perfect One does not falter nor fail.

So while some may choose to trust in these chariots and horses, we choose to trust in the name of the Lord.

In Him,

Kim

Week 14 - The Gift

Today, I finally got it. Finally. After all of these years I finally understand the true meaning of a gift. Sure, I’ve received numerous gifts over the years, and have been grateful for them. Some have made me excited. Some have brought me to tears. Yet, I didn’t fully grasp the concept – until tonight.

I found myself walking past the mirror and caught a glimpse of my growing belly. And I wept. I wept because this unborn child is a picture of God’s gift to us. We aren’t perfect. We don’t deserve him/her. The countless times we unsuccessfully attempted to conceive reminded us that we aren’t in control. And, contrary to the compliments we have received regarding our potential parenting skills, we’re clueless. Yet, none of this mattered to God. For whatever reason, He has done this thing, choosing to entrust this process to completely unworthy, sinful, self-centered human beings, prone to “blow it”. And we are humbled. Grateful.

And it brings to me to my revelation. God has done this thing before - on a far grander scale. He has given the gift of far more precious life – eternal. And much like this experience, it is undeserved. We are unworthy, clueless, powerless, sinful, self-centered human beings with a God who loved us so much He graciously sent Christ to cover these imperfections, our sins– not excuse them - but to pay for them. And we have done absolutely nothing to earn this gift. Nothing.

He gave. For His purpose. And His glory.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. 10For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

- Ephesians 2:8-9

May I continue to weep as I catch glimpses of God’s grace. I pray the same for yo

Resting in Him,

Kim

Week 13 - Faith

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…” Hebrews 12:2a

I need this right about now. I need to remember the Source of my faith. I confess, faith is not one of my virtues. As I probably mentioned before, I have a tendency to prepare for or expect the worse. Truth be told, most times “the worse” never comes, which results in me expending unnecessary energy. I have this developed this "deep, thought-provoking" saying over the years, after living through seasons of difficulty (which for me is often accompanied by anxiety). “All that worrying for nothing.”

I realize that the exact opposite of anxiety is faith, “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1). It takes faith for me to continue in this pregnancy with joy. In this 13^th week, I am nearing the end of my first trimester. This is typically the time when many expectant parents begin sharing their news as it is medically stated that the risk of miscarriage is dramatically reduced. This is considered a great milestone. And, yet for many, the anxiety continues. Why? Our eyes are “fixed” on the wrong things – medical research, technology, etc. None of these things are capable of providing the faith needed to continue the pregnancy in hope and joy.

I've learned that pregnancy is all about hoping for the unseen. In spite of ultrasounds, heartbeats, butterfly-like movements and kicks, there is something about wanting to see the baby. Our anticipation is even more heightened as we have determined to wait until delivery to learn the gender. We can hope and pray. But, the only way to move forward peacefully and joyously is to focus on the One who not only “wrote” and created our faith, but sustains and completes it. God alone holds our future. May we choose to rest in Him.

In times of doubt or anxiety, when tempted to lose sight of Christ, I choose to call out as one father did on behalf of his child, “Lord, I believe, help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

With fixed eyes,

Kim

Week 12 -Waking Up

“Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Ephesians 5:14

How fitting this verse is during this season of my life. Physically, I find myself “waking” several times throughout the night, repositioning, running to the bathroom, eating... What I have found upon waking is that it can be a slight challenge to maneuver from one room to the next. On one hand, there is the disorientation resulting from not being fully awake. However, more prevalent is element of darkness.

Darkness covers and distorts. It keeps one from being able to see direction. I have run into things in the dark. I have to feel around cautiously in the dark, blindly feeling my way from one location to the next. I walk gingerly, attempting to avoid stepping on something (mainly our dog, Selah). Darkness can be dangerous.

But then, there is light…

Just a little light provides vision and sight. For all that darkness hides, a small amount of light is sufficient to uncover. A match, a flashlight, a night light. All of these sources of light, however small, shed just enough light to provide direction. It keeps me from injuring myself, the baby (and Selah). Light reduces danger.

This is true not only in physical aspects, but spiritual as well. Ephesians 5:14 addresses the “fruitless deeds of darkness” mentioned in the previous verse. Simply put, it addresses sin. I have found myself in this cycle of being comfortable in my sin, comfortable in trying to do what I want to do, when and how I want to do it. Comfortable in darkness. Then, I wonder where God is and why He is silent when I seek direction and clarity. I question where He is in times of “darkness.” Where is His light?

His words? “Wake up.” Notice, the waking precedes the shining. The acknowledgement of my sin and my determination to do things my way, the confession of my “fruitless deeds”, my waking up from the death of self-sufficiency and arrogance – these things provide the opportunity for a deeper relationship with Him. Then, I walk in the Light.

May He shine on,

Kim

Week 11 -What a Friend

This week the hymn “What a Friend” kept playing in my mind. I believe the lyrics by Joseph Scriven speak for themselves, so I refrain from elaboration. Here they are:

What a Friend

What a friend we have in Jesus,

all our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry

everything to God in prayer!

O what peace we often forfeit,

O what needless pain we bear,

all because we do not carry

everything to God in prayer.

2. Have we trials and temptations?

Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged;

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful

who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness;

take it to the Lord in prayer.

3. Are we weak and heavy laden,

cumbered with a load of care?

Precious Savior, still our refuge;

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?

Take it to the Lord in prayer!

In his arms he'll take and shield thee;

thou wilt find a solace there.

Lyrics by Joseph Scriven, 1820-1886

Week 10 - Still Anxious

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6-8

Yes, I have already blogged about this verse, in week 6 to be exact. Seems like this verse will be one I will have to revisit and “carry” with me, if not in writing, at least in my head and heart, for the next few months.

It’s tempting. Tempting to believe that by worrying I can actually control the situation, that somehow I can maneuver or strategize enough to get the result that I desire. And yet the reality stares me in the face - “I can’t”. I constantly hear Christ’s rhetorical question, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27). And still I worry – a clear indication of my lack of faith and trust in God and His wisdom.

I can do absolutely nothing and yet He can do absolutely everything. So why am I worried? There are so many things that I have convinced myself that I must be concerned with. This week I had what I considered a scare. Sent me reeling, expecting the worse, believing/thinking I was destined for a negative outcome. Nothing bad happened. All that worrying for nothing.

For whatever reason, it is difficult for me to expect the best. As hard as I may try to believe otherwise, I’m a pessimist (this fault inspired one of Reggie’s 1^st nicknames for me). This is what we pessimists “do” – we worry – and as a result we displease God. “Without faith it is impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:6)

The proper response is trust. This is what prayer, petitioning and thanksgiving reflect – trust, an acknowledgement that I am totally incapable of controlling my circumstances, so I willingly and gratefully choose to give it over to the One who can.

By the way, as God (the One who is really in control) would have it, two days after my scare, I had my first prenatal appointment. The baby was still too small for the midwife to hear the heartbeat, so she decided to do a quick ultrasound. There s/he was, squirming, wiggling all over. And better than hearing it, we watched the heartbeat. And I promise I could hear God say, “See, told you. All that worrying for nothing.”

Week 9 - Grateful

There are so many emotions and thoughts that have run the course in my head and heart over the last few weeks. And I have shared some of them. However, perhaps the one that I have most neglected to give attention to is gratitude.

We know what it is to experience loss. We know what it means to have to patiently wait for God to do something we hope for, long for. We have experienced anticipation, joy, fear, anger, excitement, and sadness. But this week, the thought is gratitude.

I am grateful that God has allowed us to make it further along than we did in the past. I am grateful that He has entrusted us with this journey thus far. Though we don’t know what the future holds, the anticipation of what we hope to be humbles us, excited us! All I can humbly say is “Thank you”. I thank Him for the many people who have rejoiced over hearing our news. I am grateful for the prayers and hopes of a healthy pregnancy, delivery and baby. Perhaps more humbling has been the number of people who upon finding out we were expecting excitedly exclaimed, “I’ve been praying this for you all!” How awesomely, wonderfully, humbling to find out that unbeknownst to us, there has been a small army of people petitioning God, praying with us for this child. Our joy is theirs as well as they see an unselfish prayer answered.

This gratefulness is what I pray I move forward with in pregnancy. As I experience the nausea, weight gain, and general pregnancy experiences, I want to go forward remembering that this child is an answer to prayer- not just ours, but our "village" – our family. As I move forward, I will remember to “be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Gratefully resting,

Kim