Week 26 – Good Night

“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat- for he grants sleep to those he loves”. Psalm 127:1a, 2

Yet another sleepless night with thoughts raging in my mind. How will I do this? How can we do that? What about this? Did we consider that? Sigh. It’s exhausting really, trying to run a life that isn’t truly mine. Sure, God gives me free will. Yes, I have the liberty to make decisions. But ultimately, ”all the days ordained for me were written in book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16.

I should be able to rest. He has it all figured out. My role is to “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to me as well” Matthew 6:33. Seek Him. And rest.

So, I’m laboring (in vain) when I should be sleeping. I am watching over things that are not mine to watch over. Yes, God calls us to take great care of the things, people and responsibilities He has placed in our possession. I am to make wise choices with the knowledge I have at the time. But I do not have to toil. I turn it over to Him. He builds. He watches. This staying up late trying to figure life out is for the birds. Waking up in the middle of the night trying to determine what to do next is pointless. I need to rest. Truth is, I know He loves me. That is settled. According to this passage, He grants sleep to those He loves. So if that is the case, I’m going to bed. Good night.

Aiming for rest,

Kim

Week 25 - Do-Over

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son” Romans 8:28, 29a

This week I had the opportunity to redeem my previous week’s attitude. After 49 straight days of 90+ degree heat, the AC went out– again – after work hours - again. This time the temporary fix didn’t hold and we had to call in the professionals.

I am grateful to share that THIS time my attitude was better. No calling down the rapture. No constant grumbling. Simply quick prayers to ask that situation be resolved while remembering that pregnant women have survived heat for years.

It’s interesting really, how spoiled I am, how accustomed I am to the “creature comforts” that I have convinced myself are necessities. These last three years have been sort of a paradigm shift for me. God has revealed there are many things that I believed I could not go without, things that are in actuality, burdens. For example, the more I possess, the more I have to care for, clean, worry about, insure, etc. If God called us to move tomorrow, our first concern would be what to do with the “stuff” we have accumulated. I hold onto “stuff” thinking I will one day use it again, only to move it from one city to another in the same unopened box. When I think even more, I realize that many of my frustrations are the result of “stuff” not acting right, not being able to get or do the “stuff” I want when I want, or people not doing with their “stuff” what I think they should (i.e. slow, rude, or inconsiderate drivers).

So, I’m grateful for the do-over. Even in responding with patience, I’ve learned a little more about my heart issues. And, I’ve grown a little closer to looking more like Him.

Grateful,

Kim

Week 24 – Remember the Miracle

“Do all things without grumbling or complaining” Philippians 2:14

I blew living by this verse this week. 99 degrees, 6 months pregnant, 7 days beyond a 30 day labor “guarantee”, and the home air conditioner goes out, on a Saturday. And yes, I grumbled. And complained. A lot. In fact, I stressed to the Lord that if He was ready for the rapture, ready to take us into heaven, I was ready. And I was dead serious. Then I laughed. I remembered how I ridiculed Jonah for his anger towards God for taking away his shade tree. I recalled how I judged him for being so angry that he asked to die. Ah, to walk in someone else’s shoes…

My frustration is a reflection of my heart really. If things do not go the way that I want or plan, I grumble and complain. I’m quite similar to the Israelites. After 400 years of slavery (understandably filled with grumbling and complaining), God decided to deliver them using Moses. Over the course of their deliverance, the Israelites witnessed God sending 10 plagues upon the people of Egypt, while sparing them, His chosen people. They experienced the parting of the Red Sea, crossing over on dry ground, followed by the destruction of the Egyptian army as the waters flooded them. They ate manna, a daily provision of bread from heaven. And, yet, when things did not go the way they planned or preferred, they complained – about food, about water, about living conditions, etc. etc. etc. They failed to remember the miracles. They lost sight of the eternal God and chose to focus more on their temporal circumstances.

So, at 6 months pregnant during the hottest summer I’ve experienced since living in Tennessee, with swollen feet, difficulty in maneuvering, sleeping, and several other nuances of pregnancy, I choose to remember the miracles – the conception, the growth, God’s protection, His provision, the fibroids shrinking, an easy and overall enjoyable pregnancy thus far, great health, answered prayers, the love and care shown by others, the love and care shown by my wonderful (and patient, and gracious) husband, and on and on. Yes, I remember the miracles, but more importantly, I remember the God to whom the miracles point. And I will praise Him!

Choosing to remember Him,

Kim

Week 23 – Holding On

“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I remember this passage well. It is the passage I meditated on after the miscarriage two years ago. Who knew His future plans would hold another opportunity to be with child?

That season seemed unbearable, as if we would not rise above it. I remember feeling as though life would swallow me whole. There were so many unknowns. So many frustrations, questions, anger and sadness. I can remember relating to the emotions of the Israelites to whom God originally addressed this passage. They were in exile. Frustrated with their current situation, yet admonished to make the best of it while trusting God’s plans and promises.

As I sit in this new season, this passage resurfaced via a dear friend as I lamented on all the unknowns we face yet again. The circumstances are different, yet the feelings are strangely and sadly similar. I again find myself battling fears, which if I am honest is the root of the anger and frustration. I am grateful for the opportunity to be preparing for motherhood, yet the unknowns overwhelm me. There are aspects of our lives that are not what I would have planned. This troubles me. Things are not lining up as I would like. This frustrates me. Yet again, I have no idea what the future holds.

So, I am muddling through. Honestly expressing to the Lord where I am, how I feel, and what I fear. I pray. And, I seek to find solace in the fact that the same God who knew that this pregnancy was in His plans, knows how He will provide. He’s already made plans. I muddle through remembering that even in the exile of uncertainty, His plans are not to harm me. I remember that even when I feel as though situations are hopeless, HE grants me hope. He holds my future, our future.

“Then I will seek Him and find Him when I seek Him with all my heart.”

Jeremiah 29:13

Holding on,

Kim

Week 22 –God Did It!

I smile as I reflect on what God has done. Entering into yet another ultrasound appointment, there were several concerns. The last two appointments revealed that the baby was significantly larger than he/she needed to be. This prompted concerns as to whether or not I was at risk for gestational diabetes. Another concern involved fibroids (I’m ok with sharing, if you’re ok with knowing- it’s part of the testimony J). There had been concern that the rate in which these benign tumors were growing would interfere with the baby’s growth and development, cause extreme pain, or interfere somehow with delivery.

Nevertheless, before I arrived at the appointment, I sent a quick text to few people asking them to pray. I asked that they would pray that the fibroids were smaller and that all was well with the baby.

So, as the sonographer completes the ultrasound, she comments, “I don’t know if it’s because I’m a different person who is measuring, but the fibroids look smaller”. To which I comment, “We prayed”. She states, “Hmmm, let me check something, maybe I’m looking at the wrong measurements. Wait, yes, they look smaller.” Again I say, “We’ve been praying.” With a perplexed look, she simply says, “Hmm…” At which point I smile, thinking, she still doesn’t get it. God did it.

Furthermore, she states, “The placenta (which nourishes the baby) is all the way on the left side”. She then marvels at the fact that it “planted itself” away from all of the fibroids – on the right. Again, God did it.

Next, the last two ultrasounds revealed the baby was in the 97^th percentile. Ideal is between 10^th and 90^th. This third one showed 80^th percentile.

Finally, my unspoken prayer request was that I would not have to return for more ultrasounds. They originally projected that I would need to come monthly. I thought “God, I pray I don’t have to return”. After she consulted the maternal fetal physician, she walks into the room – alone (that never happened before), and announced “The doctor is no longer concerned. We will not schedule another visit.”

To God be the Glory for the things He has done…

Kim

Week 21 – Follow Me

“If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.”

I’ve found myself struggling with this quite a bit lately. I have frequently chosen to focus on what God is doing in others’ lives, feeling “left out” or unheard by Him. I know the truth cognitively – God has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. However, experientially I feel differently. As a result, I don’t live by what I know to be true. It’s a battle.

I have come to realize that comparison is the death of contentment. Life can be all that I want it to be, but if another comes along with a shinier, brighter, new life – envy sets in.

In this passage, Peter just had this amazing conversation with the Lord, in which Christ restores him, giving Peter hints of his life to come and usefulness in God’s kingdom. This intimate time comes after Peter’s bitter denial (three times) of Christ before His crucifixion and after Christ’s resurrection. In this dialogue, we would perhaps expect Peter’s response to be gratefulness, excitement, relief, etc. over Christ’s willingness to forgive and restore him. Instead, “Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them…When Peter saw him, he asked ‘Lord, what about him?’”

And, that’s where it all falls apart for me. I turn my head and my eyes from their gaze on the Lord, turn aside, see someone else’s life, experience, ministry, “stuff”, and I ask “What about them?”

Truth is, my life is challenging enough without adding someone else’s drama to the mix. I don’t know their story. Peter had no way of knowing that John would end up spending years in exile on the isle of Patmos.

My challenge is to keep my eyes on my own paper. Stay in my story that was penned by Him. I have no idea what the next chapter holds. However in the meantime, as he exhorted Peter, I must follow Him.

Striving to Follow,

Kim