Our Birth Plan

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

You can probably already see where this blog is going…

When Reggie and I got engaged, we discussed our “ideals” for marriage and child-bearing. We planned to be married a year before conceiving, and be relatively established within the ministry we served. You know, “have our ducks lined up in a row”. Within 2 1/2 months of our wedding, we sensed God was redirecting our steps- moving us away from Orlando, and to Franklin, away from Impact, and towards…??? That should have been my first clue that the LORD’s purpose would prevail in our lives, and so it has.

Prior to finding out we were expecting Enoch, I determined that I wanted to give birth naturally (without the aid of pain relieving drugs or other medically invasive procedures). My reasoning wasn’t really that deep. I’d heard “horror” stories of epidurals that didn’t take, or wore off, leaving the mother with a “natural” experience after all. And, since I’m not all that excited about needles, having a catheter placed in my spine was even less appealing.

And then we conceived. So, I began to research, and plan for natural childbirth. I consulted friends who did it. Read books. And, Reggie and I completed a 12 week class on husband coached childbirth (Bradley method). By October 31^st, our classes were completed, nursery finished, baby clothes washed and hospital bag packed. We had a plan. A birth plan. Now all we had to do was wait for the baby’s arrival.

And wait we did. Day after day, week after week – nothing. Countless phone calls “checking in”- nothing. “Baby here yet?” texts. Still nothing. Bulging eyes inquisitively asking “When are you due?” – and still nothing. November 12, the official due date, came…and went. Nothing.

Finally on November 18, my water broke at 3:30am. It was on! A trip to the midwives’ office would lead us to the hospital, which would inevitably result in the birth of our child by the end of the day.

Or not.

You see, here is the best case scenario. Contractions. Hard labor. Dilation. Thinning. Water breaks. Baby.

Worse case scenario is water breaks first, with the mother needing antibiotics, and no dilation or thinning (i.e. no progress). Want to guess which scenario my body selected???

Hour after hour passed. One 12-hour midwife and nursing shift passed after another. And still, nothing. And with each passing shift came more frustration, exhaustion, despair, and prayers.

This blog only touches the surface of all that occurred. From 3:30am on Thursday, November 18 until Enoch Joel arrived at 6:34am on Saturday, November 20, 2010 we have seen how God’s hand was all over this time.

We are convinced that each midwife and nurse was handpicked by Him to provide what we needed during our time. From the 1st one who laid out a realistic picture of what we faced, to the 4^th and last one, who delivered Enoch and determined that I would “push this baby out”, fought the surgeons who were “hovering”, waiting to perform a Cesearan section.

Then, there was the nurse who after observing Reggie praying over me, quietly offered to pray for us. She prayed verses that I had prayed over Enoch for months, gently reminding me that in spite of needing intervention (being induced, epidural, etc.) God has our situation under control.

Throughout the entire process, his heartbeat remained strong, and I stayed fever free. God.

Each shift commented on how well Reggie and I handled the situation and how well we worked together, along with my sister. God.

When a midwife commented on how “amazing” we were, I informed her that it was God, and the prayers of His people.

And I remembered. I remembered all of the prayers leading up to this point, all of the blogs, the lessons, the tears. I remembered our desire for a healthy baby and God’s glory. I remembered the prayer to be a witness and testimony of God faithfulness. And, as I sit here with Enoch sleeping on my chest, I smile.

Yes, many were the plans of our hearts, but God’s purpose prevailed.

Grateful,

Kim

Week 40 – Empty Bowl

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23

I think my fruit bowl is about empty. I’m looking over this list and at 40 weeks pregnant, I feel as though most of my fruit has been eaten. And, it grieves me really.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the majority of this pregnancy, as I have marveled over the miracle of it all. I think back to the first trimester, when only an ultrasound served as visible proof that there was indeed a child in here. I smile as I currently watch a foot glide from one side to the other. I remember being grateful during the nauseous stage, reminding myself that was part of the process of pregnancy. I reflect on the tears shed over hearing of people’s prayers for us, and seeing their responses to hearing our news. There are definite times when I can say I’ve seen more fruit in my bowl.

And, here we are at 40 weeks, 3 days past the due date, and I find I need to restock. The thing with the fruit of the Spirit is that they are not relegated to “right conditions” in order to be displayed. Raging hormones are not an excuse to not be loving, kind, gentle and good. Lack of sleep and difficulty moving around does not excuse me from having joy, being at peace and exercising self-control. Being 3 days beyond man’s time does not mean I need to lose patience and stop being faithful. If anything, this time reflects a greater need for the fruit of the Spirit. But, there is one key thing.

The fruit of the Spirit is a reflection of walking by the Spirit. There is my breakdown. I have reached the point where I want, what I want, when I want it. Now! Since I have decided that this time is all about me - having the house cleaned exactly how I want it, the room organized according to how I feel, when I feel it, the baby coming by Oct 30, then Nov 5, ok maybe the 10th…for sure the 12^th… I have chosen to walk by my flesh.

Reality check: I can’t walk by my flesh, and somehow miraculously reflect the Spirit of God – it’s that salt spring producing fresh water and grapevine producing figs that James wrote about. Not going to happen.

So, it’s time to readjust. It’s time to revisit the lessons I’ve learned about trusting God and His sovereignty. It is time to remember how God has answered prayers, sustained, provided for and protected us. It is time to do what He has reminded me in both the beginning and end of pregnancy is a necessity to bearing fruit – abide in Him. Here’s to restocking.

Fruitfully yours,

Kim

Week 39 – Conversations

This week is a reflection of the many thoughts and concerns flooding my mind. There has not been one particular passage that “spoke” to me. It is more like a series of conversations with the Lord, as I contemplate (or worry about) all of the upcoming changes (labor, delivery, child-rearing, etc.). Here is what I mean:

I’m not sure I’m going to be able to do this naturally.

You can do all things as I give you the strength. Be content. Trust me. (Phil 4)

Even after all of the classes, how do I really instruct Reggie to help me thru the process of labor and delivery?

Pray without ceasing. Remind him to just pray over you when both of you are clueless. I know exactly what you need. (Ephesians 6, Psalm 139)

When is this baby going to come? What can I do to help the process? Which midwife will be on rotation?

All the days ordained for this baby have already been set. The baby will arrive when and as I have planned for the birth. (Psalm 139)

How are we going to do this?

I am with you always. Abide in me. Just pray and rest. (Matthew 28, John 15)

But how will things work? Scheduling? Finances? Growing in our marriage?

Trust in me with all your heart, lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your path straight. (Proverbs 3)

But, there are things that need to be different. How do we keep our child from making the same mistakes (or struggling with the same sins) we have made?

No one is righteous, no one. Raise the child in the way he/she should go, in awe, respect and healthy fear of me. Instruct him/her in my ways, and when s/he is old, they will not depart. Even if they wander, my Word does not return void. (Proverbs 22, Romans 3, Ephesians 6)

And, for those times when I still didn’t get it, I was reminded – again…

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ” (Philippians 4:6-7)

In His arms,

Kim

Week 38 – And Still Abiding

Abide in Me, and I in you. As a branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me…He who abides in me, and I in him bears much fruit, for without Me you can do nothing. John 15:4, 5b

Recently, a team of individuals from our church returned from an educational trip to Israel. Each one that I have had the opportunity to talk with has given a different testimony of which experience or teaching time was among the most memorable. The story that strikes me is the teaching of the vineyard from John 15.

At seven weeks pregnant, this is the passage that spoke volumes to me as I grasped the definition of abiding. At that time, I marveled over the fact that there was a child currently abiding, making him/herself home in me, depending on me for sustenance, health and well being. He dwells. She rests.

How fitting, then, that as I near labor this is the passage that resurfaces. Although the baby will no longer abide in me, s/he will still abide with me. He will still depend on me for daily needs - food, transport, and comfort.

The teaching time my friend shared was how the Jewish gardener would tend to his vineyard with care. Those branches that were productive, were pruned, to make more productive. Those that were attached to the vine, but were on the ground, were “picked up” and “cleaned”. They were lifted off of the ground, rinsed off and placed on the wall, to be made more productive. Finally, those branches that had fallen off, no longer attached to the vine, in essence, dead, were still useful. They too served a purpose in the garden and were placed along the wall. The key is that the gardener is the one who did all of the work. All branches ended up in a position of purpose because the gardener placed them there. Those that were attached to the vine were fruitful, thus more productive, but nothing was useless.

My decision is how I will choose to be used. Those who are attached to the Vine-Christ, abiding and dwelling in Him are shown to be much more productive- as HE defines productivity - fruitful. But, the productivity does not come from performance, reputation, striving. The branches are incapable of pruning, cleaning or placing themselves on the wall. Productivity comes from abiding or making ourselves at home in Him. Contrary to how things may look, we do nothing.

During this time I am tempted to become obsessed with how we will raise this child. He must be respectful. She must be obedient. I want him to do this. I would love for her to do that. Truth be told, the greatest gift we can give this baby is to abide in Christ, the Vine. If we are resting in Christ, He will give us the wisdom to raise the baby in the way he should go. After all He created him. God will show us how to bring up the child in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. He wired her. He will point this “arrow” in the direction it should go. He ordained his days.

Our role? Abide. God’s role? Everything else. Sound easy enough….

Still abiding,

Kim

ps. Thanks Stacey for sharing this teaching time with me!

Week 37 – Still Walking

“Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water.” Matthew 14:28

It was over two years ago that I began walking on this path of the unknown (again). Trust me, I understand that life is full of unknowns, but there are specific landmarks and time periods that I am able to pinpoint knowing without a doubt God was calling me to trust Him.

In April 2008, I had the opportunity to share with a group of women about this journey. During that time, I was studying the account of Peter’s walking on water. For years, I looked at this story as an account of Peter’s failure, his lack of faith. With a judgmental finger, I wagged “How could he not trust Jesus to keep him afloat? How dare he focus on the wind!” The more I studied, the more I realized Peter was the only one in the boat who demonstrated faith, albeit shaky. With his characteristic boldness, he requested “Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water.” And he did. As his surroundings changed (wind, waves), he panicked, looked away from Jesus, and began to sink. His cry, “Lord save me”, was answered by Christ, who immediately caught him while saying “Oh you of little faith, why do you doubt?”

I admit, I’m like Peter. Two years ago, I stepped out of the boat. I obediently left my job excited about what He had in store. But it was unknown. And the “season” lasted longer than I expected or desired. I only knew what I walked away from, completely clueless about what I was walking towards (I only knew “Who” I walked towards). Along the way, I had plenty of wind and waves – several closed doors, miscarriage, redirected steps, struggles with “funks” and depression. For a considerable amount of time, I focused much more on the wind and waves, futilely trying to figure out how to save myself. Unsurprisingly, it was all to no avail. Finally, I thought to call out “Lord, save me.” Like Peter, I was faced with the words “Oh you of little faith”. I vividly remember this because the same morning I re-read this passage, and several other passages highlighting people of “little faith”, a friend I had not communicated with in ages, randomly texted that she woke up believing that she needed to pray that I would have faith and trust God. Got it.

The problem with wind and waves is that they can keep you from seeing the shoreline and your destination. They tend to make you think things are far worse than they are. Waves change your perspective, and your orientation. They throw you off balance. Wind and waves can be dangerous, but they are also unpredictable and untrustworthy. That is why you don’t focus on them, but on the stability of the Rock.

I’d love to say that all of my unknowns are revealed. They are not. I will say that I have seen Christ’s hand grab hold of me time and time again as I walk. What I’ve also learned is that this "walking on water" isn’t a one-time occurrence. There have been (and will be) plenty of times when I am faced with the opportunity to step out, walk on water and trust God with the results (um, we are having a baby!) . Peter just watched Jesus feed 5000 men (not including women and children) with two fish and five loaves of bread. The temptation is to say “God, I know what you did that time, but this is different.” Truth is, circumstances change, but God does not. The same God who caught Peter, catches me, and catches you. The same faith that Peter needed to walk on water - we need to walk and live daily. I am not sure what lies ahead, but I’m still believing that the adventure is worth it, Ask Peter, after all, no one else in history has been able to say that they walked on water.

Still walking,

Kim

Week 36 – For His Glory

I am FINALLY realizing that this journey in pregnancy has not been about Reggie and I. Yes, God knows how to give good gifts, and this He is doing as He knits our child together. Yes, children are a heritage from the Lord. We are given the charge to train this child and raise him/her up in the teachings and awe of the Lord. But this journey has been about even more.

In the past, I have read about the miracles God performed in the Bible with awe and gratitude. I have imagined being in the recipients’ shoes, thinking how amazing it would be to watch Him part the Red Sea, bring water from rocks and bread from heaven. I’ve thought about how grateful I would be to be one of those who was blind, and made to see, or lame and made to walk, or Lazarus who was raised from the dead. And then I realized. As awesome as these miracles were, regardless of how much they benefitted the recipient, the ultimate goal of such miracles was that God would receive glory – that people who did not know Him, or did not believe in Him would come to know, love and follow Him.

And so it is with this pregnancy. I have heard more stories of people who have been praying for this season in our lives. Praying that we would conceive again, praying for a healthy and uneventful pregnancy, praying for healing when I had the bout with fibroids, praying that we would go full-term and deliver a healthy, vibrant child. And I realized - this pregnancy is not about us. The anticipation we feel and the excitement we have as we look forward to becoming parents is a by-product of God receiving glory. At the end of this journey (and beginning of the next one in raising the child), God wants people to know Him more fully. He wants to be revealed as the One who creates life and sustains it. He alone provides for this child, through those who belong to Him and even those who do not. He not only hears prayers, but He answers them. He is faithful even when we are not. As we look towards what is potentially the last 4 weeks of this leg of the journey, I say “TO GOD BE THE GLORY, GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE!”

For His Glory,

Kim

Week 35 - Legacy

“Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” Psalm 127:3-5a

I have given a lot of thought to the idea of legacy lately. According to this passage, children are a heritage, or an inheritance from the Lord. When I think of an inheritance, I think of valuable items that one gives over to the stewardship of another, with the trust that the steward would take care of those things for which he/she did not work. It is a reflection of those things the grantor considers precious.

It seems to me that this verse is often lost to those tasked with the role of parenting. In the weeks that have gone by, we have taken classes on pregnancy and childbirth. We have selected names, colors and furniture. We have gone thru checklists of “absolute” newborn necessities. We have been bombarded with coupons for diapers and formula, offers for cord blood banking and life insurance. However, in all of the preparations, all of the classes, and the plethora of emails and websites, not one has mentioned the importance of preparing to leave a legacy.

Think about it, God considers children “arrows in the hands of a warrior”. This isn’t a warm and fuzzy analogy. It reflects preparing a weapon to be released from a warrior’s hand in order to serve a particular purpose – to do battle. As followers of Christ we are sorely aware that God is allowing us to bring a child into an ever changing, sinful, complex world. We are cognizant of the fact that this child will face challenges that we never deemed possible. There will be insults, misunderstandings, and quite possibly persecution. Our role is to help prepare our precious “arrow” for battle.

True, we may coo, and cuddle (and we will). We may take untold numbers of pictures and videos (and we will). However, the “thing” that will drive us will be to leave a legacy of godliness. Our heart is that this child will know not only that s/he is loved by us, but loved infinitely more by the God who created him/her. Our desire is that we will care for our inheritance well, being earthly reflections of who God is and how it looks to have a true relationship with Him through Christ. We pray to be great (though far from perfect) stewards of the reward entrusted to us, with the prayer that when the time comes to release the “arrow” to the world, God will find him/her ready to do battle – and that they will hit their targets!

By His Grace Alone,

Kim

Week 34 – Who Knew…

Here we are, just weeks away from our due date. It has been an amazingly, unbelievable ride. As I reflect on the last 30+ weeks, I am awed. First, I cannot believe how quickly the time has passed. It feels like yesterday that I checked the second test (yes, the second J) that confirmed “positive”. From the outset of this pregnancy, Reggie and I just sensed that this pregnancy would be different. And God has graciously allowed it to be so. We are grateful.

I get overwhelmed when I think of all that He has done.

Who knew that in the midst of struggling to conceive, He would grant me the opportunity to return “home”, joining a team ministering to young ladies in the country that holds my heart –Ghana? He did. While there He graciously allowed me to use my gifts and passions, while teaching me lessons about His power, the importance of prayer and fasting, and how vital it is to abide in Him, always. And within two weeks of returning, we conceived.

Who knew that along the way God had placed us on different people’s hearts and minds. They were moved to pray for us while we were in the process of conceiving, even those who had no idea we wanted children. Their stories and enthusiasm has been an encouragement to us, while seeing their prayers answered has uplifted them.

Who knew that as we desired that I would stay home, yet were unsure of how that would work, I would be laid off, at 4 months pregnant. BUT GOD opened doors that led to positive changes in Reggie’s employment, 2 months before the baby is due.

Who knew that God would have people gift us with things for the baby long before we even knew we needed them. As we took inventory on what we have, we sat in awe of His provision. He has taught us that His provision comes in many different ways, from the hands of many different people. Thanking God for the obedience of His people.

And, as I sit here I realize that only God knows what is in store for our family's future. We could not have created the path we have walked thus far. Yet, at each turn we have clearly seen His hand, in the challenges as well as the blessings. I am grasping an even deeper meaning of, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future…” Jeremiah 29:11

And we trust that this is just the beginning.

Gratefully His,

Kim

Week 33 - Grace

Grace. I’ve been thinking about this word lately. We toss this word around quite a bit. We say “grace” before a meal. We ask others to give us “grace” when we fail to follow-thru on something. There are “grace” periods to pay bills. A ballet dancer who dances with ease is said to do so “gracefully”. However, I am fully convinced that we do not understand the weight of this word in regards to our relationship with God.

Many people have heard the biblical definition of grace as being “unmerited or unearned favor” from God. But, exactly how does this grace look?

The ultimate act of God’s grace was that He, as a perfect, loving God who is holy, and without sin created a way for sinful, unholy people to have a relationship with Him. “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8) Grace.

We deserve eternal death. He devised a way to give us eternal life. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son so that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). Grace.

God determined that Moses would be called his "friend", the one to lead his people out of slavery even though he would be a murderer, argue God’s call on his life and be ill equipped to lead over a million people out of Egypt and in the wilderness for 40 years. Grace.

David was made king of Israel, and was known as a man after God’s own heart with God fully knowing in advance that he would commit adultery and murder. Grace.

God planned for Paul to be his ambassador, writing many of the books of the New Testament, and being known as a great servant of God, even though he would begin his career as Saul, persecutor and murderer of Christians. Grace.

God knew that one day (insert your name) would be (insert where you are, what you are doing, etc. ), even though (insert your name) would disappoint Him, break His heart, walk away from Him, (insert whatever else comes to mind). Grace.

Grace, it’s not as simple as we have come to make it.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)

In the grateful grip of His grace,

Kim

Week 32 – It’s Not Fair

But as for me, it is good to be near God. Psalm 73:28a

Sometimes life is just like that. You simply have to come to the decision that regardless of how things look, how you may feel, how circumstances may or may not line up, there is a truth to hold onto. This truth is, it is good to be near God.

Life is unpredictable. There are times when you may look around and feel as though life is unfair. Truth is, life is unfair. If life was fair we would all be destined for a life separated from God in hell. If life was fair, the blessings we receive would cost us far more than they do. There would have to be a price to pay for waking up every morning with the ability to use gifts, talents, money, and our bodies without so much as a thought towards the One who made this all possible. No, life isn’t fair. A fair God would not have allowed His perfect, sinless Son to die on a cross for our sin. Not a sin, but all sins, yours and mine. No, He is not fair, but He is just, and He is merciful, kind and loving. He loves people. But, He does hate sin. Period. There are negative consequences for sin, for which if He was fair, we would have to suffer ALL of them.

So, in those times when I have been tempted to throw a tantrum and “walk away” because life hasn’t quite lined up the way that I want, or because the path has a few more bumps and curves than I am accustomed to, I remember David’s words in Psalm 139 “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there, if I make my bed in the depths, you are there, If I rise on the wings of the dawn or settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” (Psalm 139: 7-10).

In other words, the safest, best place for me to be in the midst of joy and sadness, ups and downs, blessings and challenges is near God. He is there anyway, I simply must chose to acknowledge Him and bask in His presence.

Praying to draw nearer,

Kim

Week 31 – Man’s Plans

This week I have been reminded of the truth behind “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9. I have seen how we can come up with a course of action - great plans, God-honoring plans - but if He has determined a different path there is nothing to be done, but walk in them.

My first inclination is frustration. But, who I am, really? I am not able to see what lies around the corner or what my next minute holds. Yet, I have somehow determined that I know what is best better than the God who has already ordained all of my days? Sure, there are times I wish that His chosen course for me would be a little smoother, with less mountains, and storms. I definitely wish I could bypass the suffering and struggles of life. But, somehow, in His kingdom, He really does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. I remind myself that this does not mean that everything that happens will feel good, simply that it will be for the good. Big difference.

So I am learning to hold my plans loosely. At one point in my life, I frustratingly determined that I would no longer make plans and set goals because “God is going to do what He wants to do anyway.” Let me just say, wrong attitude. It is the acknowledgement that I can have desires, goals, plans and dreams, but that God who can see up the road, around the corner, my tomorrow, and years beyond my existence, has the right to alter them as He sees best and fit. Sure, I still may not like all of these decisions (hey, I’m being honest), and there will still be times when it will not feel good. However, I can rest in the reality that God really does love me, He really is a good and just God, who is kind and merciful. And contrary to popular opinion, He really does know what He is doing.

Stepping Aside,

Kim

Week 30 –Seeking God

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:33

Ever noticed how this verse is often used as a “magic spell”? I do it. If I am particularly stressed about a situation and realize that I have not had “sufficient” time with the Lord (whatever that means). I recite this verse. My thinking is quite selfish. I deduce that the best way to get what I want in that instant, is to read a verse or two, pray, then miraculously expect to receive what I was wanting in the first place. And, I have the nerve to get angry when it doesn’t “work”.

In a recent experience, the moment I felt anger rise up, another passage jammed its way into my mind “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but you don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you do ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures” James 4:1-3.

I wish I could say that my first response was repentance. It was more like “God, how are you going to call me out like that???” Then, I laughed. And eventually repented.

He was right (not surprisingly). My seeking God, His kingdom and His righteousness is to come from a desire to know Him and please Him. It is to come from a place of wanting to love Him with all my heart, soul, strength and mind. Not in anticipation of the things I want Him to do, but, in gratefulness for what He has already done. I love that the passage in Matthew begins with His reminder to look at the lilies and the birds and His care for them and how we are more valuable to Him. They have done nothing to earn His care. He does it because it is His character. He knows what we need. He says to me, you take care of getting to know me, loving me, seeking my heart for you, I’ll handle all the “little” stuff. So, the seeking isn’t a magic formula after all. It comes from a place of trusting God to handle my life, while I handle enjoying Him.

Seeking God,

Kim

Week 29 - To My “Phil Jackson”

To My “Phil Jackson”

So, I grew up in Chicago during the Michael Jordan and Chicago Bulls reign. During that that time I grew to admire the talent of the team, but even moreso the leadership of the coach, Phil Jackson. As I’ve watched him with the Lakers (while not rooting for them by ANY stretch of the imagination), I have seen the same leadership. I’m reminded that as the king goes, so goes the nation. We have seen companies, churches, nations, teams, etc. with great potential, only to fall by the wayside because the leadership, well, sucked. Families are the same way.

Over the last two months Reggie and I have been in a childbirth class that teaches husband-coached childbirth. In the class, the husband is called the “coach” and I have jokingly started calling him “Phil Jackson”. Phil leads his teams well, has high expectations, and seems to rarely “lose it”. Well, Reggie is better :D

Over the last two weeks, I have seen my sweetie in action and I am grateful for the man that he is. I awakened in a panic one morning at 4:30 am because I was having a false labor contraction. He calmly turned over, reminded me that those are Braxton-Hicks, and took me for a walk around the block, at 4:40 am, because, as he says “That’s what they said to do in the class.” Hah, I know the literature. He practiced it.

During the itching and especially with the fibroid ordeal, he has been an amazing coach. Praying over me, reminding me to trust God with the baby, cooking and cleaning after he determined that bed rest would be best while I heal. I have learned a lot about servant-leadership by watching him this week. Exhausted, yet patient. Long days at work, yet willing to come home to serve me, and insistent that I allow him to. When I lamented about not being able to do much, he rebuked me, reminding me that such thoughts were pride, and that he committed to doing this when we married (“in sickness and in health, remember?”, he says).

So, I am grateful. And, I have determined to give honor to whom honor is due, when it is due. I have been blessed with a wonderful gift. Unearned and often taken for granted. Nagged (waaay to often) and often underappreciated. Allow me to take this time to say thank you to a man who in my eyes is a much better “coach” than Phil will ever be. I love you, boo ;)

Humbled by God’s grace,

Kim

Week 28- Not Your Momma

Who knew that within two weeks of dealing with surrender, I would be face to face with the opportunity to do just that? In the last two weeks I have been plagued by two lesser known potential effects of pregnancy – itching and a degenerating fibroid. One was intense itching from the inside out, all over, everywhere, similar to an allergic reaction (right, allergic to pregnancy…really???). The other causes extreme pain that has been known to land women in the hospital for days while pumping narcotics into her system. Fun, right?

Anyway, in both situations I was faced with the option of remaining miserable (uncomfortable, stressed, anxious, and sleep-deprived, which could lead to contractions) or taking medication. Instantly I went into protective “momma” mode. "But I’m not supposed to take meds. There is no such thing as a safe drug during pregnancy. This is the trimester where the brain is developing. But what if…"

After being unable to cope with the discomfort, especially of the fibroid, I finally allowed myself to take Tylenol. I may as well have eaten a Tic-tac. The pain remained as excruciating as ever. I would need a more potent medication (in this case, Percocet). This process was not going to be easy. I could see the hand-writing on the wall. “Trust God.” “Surrender the baby to Him.” The realization hit me that as much as I can do to protect and care for the baby, I am limited, s/he really does belong to the Lord.

Psalm 139 has David saying that God knit him together in his mother’s womb. Not his mother. David praises God for being fearfully and wonderfully made. Not his mother. God ordained and wrote all of David’s days before one of them came to be. Not her. God knew David’s thoughts and heard his words before he spoke them. He saw David rising, sleeping, going out, and coming in. God hemmed him in- totally. His momma could do none of that.

So I prayed, surrendered the baby to the Lord, thanked Him for being God who could counteract anything., and took the pill. Until the next opportunity…

Steadily surrendering,

Kim

Week 27 Total Surrender

I’m not sure about you, but for me the picture of surrender is not a pleasant one. I see a tattered man, well-worn for the battle he has fought, emerging from a foxhole, with a raised white flag. His face wears exhaustion, yet a hint of relief. Relief over not having to fight anymore. Relief that his battle, for all practical purposes is over. But, there is sadness, as he slowly comes to the realization that he has lost.

Reading Merriam-Webster’s definitions of surrender doesn’t help me either.

1a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

2a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence): to give oneself up into the power of another : yield

So I struggle, thinking that there has to be more this “surrendering all” to the Lord. I realize that the word surrender is not used in describing our relationship to the Lord. But the concept is. We are called to “submit to God”, “trust Him” “Love Him with all of your heart, soul and strength” “Take up our cross and follow Him”.

So the principle is there. And then, I realize that my issue is with my perspective of surrender, my limited view, and the objects I've seen. The key is to whom I choose to surrender.

My vision of the tattered man is based upon wars stories where people are fighting for land and power. God has this. In my limited understanding, the people in control have used cruelty and forced hands to get what they wanted, they were motivated by greed and/or hatred and the desire to win. God is motivated by love. He knows the hairs on my head and created me. He doesn’t have to “win”. He’s God. I can trust Him wholeheartedly because He “who began a good work in will carry it on to completion” (Phil 1:6). I can love Him because “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8). I can submit to Him because “…in these last days he has spoken to us by His Son, whom He appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of His being, sustaining all things by His powerful word.” (Hebrews 1:3). I can take up my cross because Christ modeled this, with His struggle, “Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” (Mark 14:36). Yet, we see His obedience, when while on the cross, ” When He had received the drink, Jesus said, ‘It is finished.’ With that, He bowed His head and gave up His spirit.” (John 19:30)

So yes, surrender it a struggle. And it is continual, not a one-time action. I am regularly faced with opportunities to surrender thoughts, actions, fears, decisions... It can be a battle between what I want, what I feel, and what I think is best. Yet, the key is to remember the object of my surrender, the WHO I choose to surrender to. Surrendering to God is coming to the realization that He created me, loves me, guides me, protects me, provides for me, disciplines me, encourages me, comforts me, carries me, etc. etc. I have seen the benefit and joy of the ultimate surrender, in Christ, “...who for the joy set before Him endured the cross…” (Hebrews 12:2).

“Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen” (1 Timothy 1:17)

Daily learning to surrender,

Kim

Week 26 – Good Night

“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat- for he grants sleep to those he loves”. Psalm 127:1a, 2

Yet another sleepless night with thoughts raging in my mind. How will I do this? How can we do that? What about this? Did we consider that? Sigh. It’s exhausting really, trying to run a life that isn’t truly mine. Sure, God gives me free will. Yes, I have the liberty to make decisions. But ultimately, ”all the days ordained for me were written in book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16.

I should be able to rest. He has it all figured out. My role is to “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to me as well” Matthew 6:33. Seek Him. And rest.

So, I’m laboring (in vain) when I should be sleeping. I am watching over things that are not mine to watch over. Yes, God calls us to take great care of the things, people and responsibilities He has placed in our possession. I am to make wise choices with the knowledge I have at the time. But I do not have to toil. I turn it over to Him. He builds. He watches. This staying up late trying to figure life out is for the birds. Waking up in the middle of the night trying to determine what to do next is pointless. I need to rest. Truth is, I know He loves me. That is settled. According to this passage, He grants sleep to those He loves. So if that is the case, I’m going to bed. Good night.

Aiming for rest,

Kim

Week 25 - Do-Over

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son” Romans 8:28, 29a

This week I had the opportunity to redeem my previous week’s attitude. After 49 straight days of 90+ degree heat, the AC went out– again – after work hours - again. This time the temporary fix didn’t hold and we had to call in the professionals.

I am grateful to share that THIS time my attitude was better. No calling down the rapture. No constant grumbling. Simply quick prayers to ask that situation be resolved while remembering that pregnant women have survived heat for years.

It’s interesting really, how spoiled I am, how accustomed I am to the “creature comforts” that I have convinced myself are necessities. These last three years have been sort of a paradigm shift for me. God has revealed there are many things that I believed I could not go without, things that are in actuality, burdens. For example, the more I possess, the more I have to care for, clean, worry about, insure, etc. If God called us to move tomorrow, our first concern would be what to do with the “stuff” we have accumulated. I hold onto “stuff” thinking I will one day use it again, only to move it from one city to another in the same unopened box. When I think even more, I realize that many of my frustrations are the result of “stuff” not acting right, not being able to get or do the “stuff” I want when I want, or people not doing with their “stuff” what I think they should (i.e. slow, rude, or inconsiderate drivers).

So, I’m grateful for the do-over. Even in responding with patience, I’ve learned a little more about my heart issues. And, I’ve grown a little closer to looking more like Him.

Grateful,

Kim

Week 24 – Remember the Miracle

“Do all things without grumbling or complaining” Philippians 2:14

I blew living by this verse this week. 99 degrees, 6 months pregnant, 7 days beyond a 30 day labor “guarantee”, and the home air conditioner goes out, on a Saturday. And yes, I grumbled. And complained. A lot. In fact, I stressed to the Lord that if He was ready for the rapture, ready to take us into heaven, I was ready. And I was dead serious. Then I laughed. I remembered how I ridiculed Jonah for his anger towards God for taking away his shade tree. I recalled how I judged him for being so angry that he asked to die. Ah, to walk in someone else’s shoes…

My frustration is a reflection of my heart really. If things do not go the way that I want or plan, I grumble and complain. I’m quite similar to the Israelites. After 400 years of slavery (understandably filled with grumbling and complaining), God decided to deliver them using Moses. Over the course of their deliverance, the Israelites witnessed God sending 10 plagues upon the people of Egypt, while sparing them, His chosen people. They experienced the parting of the Red Sea, crossing over on dry ground, followed by the destruction of the Egyptian army as the waters flooded them. They ate manna, a daily provision of bread from heaven. And, yet, when things did not go the way they planned or preferred, they complained – about food, about water, about living conditions, etc. etc. etc. They failed to remember the miracles. They lost sight of the eternal God and chose to focus more on their temporal circumstances.

So, at 6 months pregnant during the hottest summer I’ve experienced since living in Tennessee, with swollen feet, difficulty in maneuvering, sleeping, and several other nuances of pregnancy, I choose to remember the miracles – the conception, the growth, God’s protection, His provision, the fibroids shrinking, an easy and overall enjoyable pregnancy thus far, great health, answered prayers, the love and care shown by others, the love and care shown by my wonderful (and patient, and gracious) husband, and on and on. Yes, I remember the miracles, but more importantly, I remember the God to whom the miracles point. And I will praise Him!

Choosing to remember Him,

Kim

Week 23 – Holding On

“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I remember this passage well. It is the passage I meditated on after the miscarriage two years ago. Who knew His future plans would hold another opportunity to be with child?

That season seemed unbearable, as if we would not rise above it. I remember feeling as though life would swallow me whole. There were so many unknowns. So many frustrations, questions, anger and sadness. I can remember relating to the emotions of the Israelites to whom God originally addressed this passage. They were in exile. Frustrated with their current situation, yet admonished to make the best of it while trusting God’s plans and promises.

As I sit in this new season, this passage resurfaced via a dear friend as I lamented on all the unknowns we face yet again. The circumstances are different, yet the feelings are strangely and sadly similar. I again find myself battling fears, which if I am honest is the root of the anger and frustration. I am grateful for the opportunity to be preparing for motherhood, yet the unknowns overwhelm me. There are aspects of our lives that are not what I would have planned. This troubles me. Things are not lining up as I would like. This frustrates me. Yet again, I have no idea what the future holds.

So, I am muddling through. Honestly expressing to the Lord where I am, how I feel, and what I fear. I pray. And, I seek to find solace in the fact that the same God who knew that this pregnancy was in His plans, knows how He will provide. He’s already made plans. I muddle through remembering that even in the exile of uncertainty, His plans are not to harm me. I remember that even when I feel as though situations are hopeless, HE grants me hope. He holds my future, our future.

“Then I will seek Him and find Him when I seek Him with all my heart.”

Jeremiah 29:13

Holding on,

Kim

Week 22 –God Did It!

I smile as I reflect on what God has done. Entering into yet another ultrasound appointment, there were several concerns. The last two appointments revealed that the baby was significantly larger than he/she needed to be. This prompted concerns as to whether or not I was at risk for gestational diabetes. Another concern involved fibroids (I’m ok with sharing, if you’re ok with knowing- it’s part of the testimony J). There had been concern that the rate in which these benign tumors were growing would interfere with the baby’s growth and development, cause extreme pain, or interfere somehow with delivery.

Nevertheless, before I arrived at the appointment, I sent a quick text to few people asking them to pray. I asked that they would pray that the fibroids were smaller and that all was well with the baby.

So, as the sonographer completes the ultrasound, she comments, “I don’t know if it’s because I’m a different person who is measuring, but the fibroids look smaller”. To which I comment, “We prayed”. She states, “Hmmm, let me check something, maybe I’m looking at the wrong measurements. Wait, yes, they look smaller.” Again I say, “We’ve been praying.” With a perplexed look, she simply says, “Hmm…” At which point I smile, thinking, she still doesn’t get it. God did it.

Furthermore, she states, “The placenta (which nourishes the baby) is all the way on the left side”. She then marvels at the fact that it “planted itself” away from all of the fibroids – on the right. Again, God did it.

Next, the last two ultrasounds revealed the baby was in the 97^th percentile. Ideal is between 10^th and 90^th. This third one showed 80^th percentile.

Finally, my unspoken prayer request was that I would not have to return for more ultrasounds. They originally projected that I would need to come monthly. I thought “God, I pray I don’t have to return”. After she consulted the maternal fetal physician, she walks into the room – alone (that never happened before), and announced “The doctor is no longer concerned. We will not schedule another visit.”

To God be the Glory for the things He has done…

Kim

Week 21 – Follow Me

“If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.”

I’ve found myself struggling with this quite a bit lately. I have frequently chosen to focus on what God is doing in others’ lives, feeling “left out” or unheard by Him. I know the truth cognitively – God has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. However, experientially I feel differently. As a result, I don’t live by what I know to be true. It’s a battle.

I have come to realize that comparison is the death of contentment. Life can be all that I want it to be, but if another comes along with a shinier, brighter, new life – envy sets in.

In this passage, Peter just had this amazing conversation with the Lord, in which Christ restores him, giving Peter hints of his life to come and usefulness in God’s kingdom. This intimate time comes after Peter’s bitter denial (three times) of Christ before His crucifixion and after Christ’s resurrection. In this dialogue, we would perhaps expect Peter’s response to be gratefulness, excitement, relief, etc. over Christ’s willingness to forgive and restore him. Instead, “Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them…When Peter saw him, he asked ‘Lord, what about him?’”

And, that’s where it all falls apart for me. I turn my head and my eyes from their gaze on the Lord, turn aside, see someone else’s life, experience, ministry, “stuff”, and I ask “What about them?”

Truth is, my life is challenging enough without adding someone else’s drama to the mix. I don’t know their story. Peter had no way of knowing that John would end up spending years in exile on the isle of Patmos.

My challenge is to keep my eyes on my own paper. Stay in my story that was penned by Him. I have no idea what the next chapter holds. However in the meantime, as he exhorted Peter, I must follow Him.

Striving to Follow,

Kim

Week 20 - Covered

You hem me in, behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Psalm 139:5,6.

I often forget this reality. There are times when I allow life’s circumstances to overwhelm me. Times when I give Satan far more credit and power than he’s due. There are times when I fail to acknowledge that all the victories and challenges that come my way have had to pass through the Lord’s hand before ever reaching me. I am hemmed in. Covered.

As typical these days, this verse came to mind as I marveled at the movement I felt within me. I reflected on how peaceful the child must be, how much he is able to rest, how protected she is. I thought of all that I have read about the way God has created a mother’s body to shield the child from outside elements and trauma. He is protected and hemmed in. Covered.

It’s unbelievable how protective I am of what’s going on inside of me. I nudge away the dog if she gets too close to my stomach. I hold handrails tightly as I go up and down stairs. I watch what I eat and drink. I am determined as much as it is within my control and power to protect this child from danger. And, yet in the back of my mind I realize that this will not be my only role. There will come a time when I will have to discipline and correct, to allow the child to learn from his mistakes and be challenged - all in love.

And I smile.

I smile because I realize this is how God is with us. Those of us who are His children are protected and covered. And while it is fully in His power to withhold some things, there are times when He disciplines and corrects, times when He challenges and stretches us. How sweet to be able to rest like an unborn child, with the simple knowledge that we are in His hands.

As much as I would want to completely and forever protect the child, she cannot stay in the womb forever. He must come out. She must face the world and all that it has to offer. At that time, my ability to hem him in completely will be over. Yes, I can offer some protection, some covering, some peace, some rest. However, ultimately I will need to hand her over to the Lord where she can be totally and completely…covered.

Desiring rest,

Kim

Week 19 - Fixing My Eyes

On this Father’s Day I sit recognizing that I have been fixing my eyes on a lot of things lately, but Christ is not one of them.

It’s so easy, so tempting to be overwhelmed by life. There is always something pressing, always something that needs to be done. There is the obsession with the past, anxiety about the future. All of this brings with it an element of “fixation”- an intent or obsessive focus or concentration on something. The problem is that those things we tend to obsess over cannot save us, and frequently are of no eternal value whatsoever.

For example, I want the nursery to look a particular way. I’ve had dreams of this time. But at the end of the day, the child could care less about what paint color, crib, dresser and décor I choose. And, if I’m honest, that’s more for me and the “oh’s and ah’s” that I seek. Do these things matter? To some extent, I suppose. But should I be obsessively focused on it. No. Is it worth disagreements with my husband, anxiety and debt? Absolutely not.

See, we have it twisted. In so many instances we give far more attention to the “stuff “that we place a child in – crib, clothes, shoes, etc., and far too little attention to the “stuff” we place in a child – introduction to the things of Christ, character, discipline. The truth is, it’s a reflection of our own lives. We can only model what we believe to be true. Our fixations betray our hearts. They reveal what we truly believe about what protects us, provides for us, and gives us value.

What do you spend most of your time concentrating on? Obsessing over? Your health? Your finances? Possessions? Job? Home? Family? (yes, family). None of these things belong to us anyway, they are on loan, and we are simply those who have been assigned to care for them temporarily. They are not what define us. Christ does. Christ has.

So why not fix our eyes on the one who owns it all?

“Fix your eyes on Jesus, who is the author and finisher of our faith…” Hebrews 12:2

Week 16 - Becoming Great

There is something about impending parenthood that causes one to take stock of her life. As well it should, I suppose.

For as long as I can remember I have aspired to “greatness” (whatever that means). I’m sort of a “jack of all trades”. I love learning new things, but have somewhat of a short attention span. Once I’ve learned “enough” (whatever that is), I’m ready for the next thing (this has been true in all but three areas – teaching, writing and God’s Word).

In recent years, I have taken the time to reflect on the many careers I have desired from childhood. Some pursued. Others dreamt about. There was a running theme – each would have allowed me to enjoy fame and/or fortune. Either would have been acceptable, both were highly desired. Yet, God has a sense of humor. As I investigated pursuing an MBA in international business, He decided that a pit stop was needed – seminary. Mind you, this little detour didn’t disturb me much. I figured I’d spend two years learning about Jesus and theology (after all, that was a “good thing” to study), then go back to minding my own business (hoping God would mind His) by doing the international business thing. That (the MBA) never happened. As a matter of fact, during my first mission trip, while touring a school in Ghana, God very clearly said “Well, you don’t get more international than ministry”. That settled it.

The problem is the fame and fortune thing didn’t completely go away. It simply laid dormant waiting for the opportunity to rear its head. And, it still does.

Tonight, as I lay in bed mentally thumbing thru the pages of my life, I panicked, wondering what would become of me over this next year, over the next few years. How could I possibly attain “greatness” (i.e., fame and fortune) as a stay-at-home mom? What do I do with my experiences, my education, work? Have I missed my opportunity? What will become of me? Where will I find my significance?

Gratefully, before I went to bed I voiced all of this to my dear hubby who knew enough to just pray. And, as I lay in bed pondering, wondering how do I get beyond this striving for significance and “greatness”, and trying to find my place and purpose, this passage came to mind:

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ…Philippians 3:7,8.

In other words, I have spent my life desiring (albeit secretly) the wrong “greatness”- my imagined version of greatness that somehow continually eluded me because each accomplishment left me striving for and wanting an even “greater” one. AND, to make matters worse, there was always someone else who was “greater”.

But, there truly is SOMEONE ELSE who is far greater, and it is knowing Him – not reading about Him, not learning about Him, not studying about Him, not knowing about Him - but knowing Him, intimately, like one knows the habits and character of a beloved child, sibling, spouse, or friend - it is knowing Him, to the point of wanting to give Him my all because I love Him just that much –THAT is greatness.

Week 15 - Horses and Chariots

This week I have been presented with the option of having genetic testing. Rather, it has been highly suggested that I accept testing, due to certain perceived “risk factors”. As we attempted to explain our position on amniocentesis, quad tests, sampling, etc., this verse ran thru my mind “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.” Psalm 20:7.

I’ve heard this verse before, as it’s meaning has been applicable to several circumstances in my life where I’ve trusted in my education, reputation, job, etc. to bring about a particular desired result. However, in this instance, the “horses and chariots” are the medical advances and technology that would encourage me to try to fulfill the role of God.

In the case of genetic counseling and testing, some advocates tout it as highly recommended in equipping parents to be fully prepared for what lies ahead. For some parents this means providing the opportunity to make decisions regarding whether or not to bring a child into this world based upon test results. For others it is said to allow time to process and prepare.

The problem is, in my conversations, even the “owners” of the horses and chariots admit that results can be skewed and inaccurate. As a result, I’ve heard stories of parents terminating healthy pregnancies or spending countless days unnecessarily worrying about the future. Thus the wheels of the chariots occasionally falter and the horses periodically fall.

So you see, when it came to genetic testing, we determined that the results would not change how we proceeded, so we opted out. Furthermore, we decided to stick with the Lord, the One who made both the “horse” and the “chariot”, the medical advances and the physicians. The Perfect One does not falter nor fail.

So while some may choose to trust in these chariots and horses, we choose to trust in the name of the Lord.

In Him,

Kim

Week 14 - The Gift

Today, I finally got it. Finally. After all of these years I finally understand the true meaning of a gift. Sure, I’ve received numerous gifts over the years, and have been grateful for them. Some have made me excited. Some have brought me to tears. Yet, I didn’t fully grasp the concept – until tonight.

I found myself walking past the mirror and caught a glimpse of my growing belly. And I wept. I wept because this unborn child is a picture of God’s gift to us. We aren’t perfect. We don’t deserve him/her. The countless times we unsuccessfully attempted to conceive reminded us that we aren’t in control. And, contrary to the compliments we have received regarding our potential parenting skills, we’re clueless. Yet, none of this mattered to God. For whatever reason, He has done this thing, choosing to entrust this process to completely unworthy, sinful, self-centered human beings, prone to “blow it”. And we are humbled. Grateful.

And it brings to me to my revelation. God has done this thing before - on a far grander scale. He has given the gift of far more precious life – eternal. And much like this experience, it is undeserved. We are unworthy, clueless, powerless, sinful, self-centered human beings with a God who loved us so much He graciously sent Christ to cover these imperfections, our sins– not excuse them - but to pay for them. And we have done absolutely nothing to earn this gift. Nothing.

He gave. For His purpose. And His glory.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. 10For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

- Ephesians 2:8-9

May I continue to weep as I catch glimpses of God’s grace. I pray the same for yo

Resting in Him,

Kim

Week 13 - Faith

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…” Hebrews 12:2a

I need this right about now. I need to remember the Source of my faith. I confess, faith is not one of my virtues. As I probably mentioned before, I have a tendency to prepare for or expect the worse. Truth be told, most times “the worse” never comes, which results in me expending unnecessary energy. I have this developed this "deep, thought-provoking" saying over the years, after living through seasons of difficulty (which for me is often accompanied by anxiety). “All that worrying for nothing.”

I realize that the exact opposite of anxiety is faith, “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1). It takes faith for me to continue in this pregnancy with joy. In this 13^th week, I am nearing the end of my first trimester. This is typically the time when many expectant parents begin sharing their news as it is medically stated that the risk of miscarriage is dramatically reduced. This is considered a great milestone. And, yet for many, the anxiety continues. Why? Our eyes are “fixed” on the wrong things – medical research, technology, etc. None of these things are capable of providing the faith needed to continue the pregnancy in hope and joy.

I've learned that pregnancy is all about hoping for the unseen. In spite of ultrasounds, heartbeats, butterfly-like movements and kicks, there is something about wanting to see the baby. Our anticipation is even more heightened as we have determined to wait until delivery to learn the gender. We can hope and pray. But, the only way to move forward peacefully and joyously is to focus on the One who not only “wrote” and created our faith, but sustains and completes it. God alone holds our future. May we choose to rest in Him.

In times of doubt or anxiety, when tempted to lose sight of Christ, I choose to call out as one father did on behalf of his child, “Lord, I believe, help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

With fixed eyes,

Kim

Week 12 -Waking Up

“Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Ephesians 5:14

How fitting this verse is during this season of my life. Physically, I find myself “waking” several times throughout the night, repositioning, running to the bathroom, eating... What I have found upon waking is that it can be a slight challenge to maneuver from one room to the next. On one hand, there is the disorientation resulting from not being fully awake. However, more prevalent is element of darkness.

Darkness covers and distorts. It keeps one from being able to see direction. I have run into things in the dark. I have to feel around cautiously in the dark, blindly feeling my way from one location to the next. I walk gingerly, attempting to avoid stepping on something (mainly our dog, Selah). Darkness can be dangerous.

But then, there is light…

Just a little light provides vision and sight. For all that darkness hides, a small amount of light is sufficient to uncover. A match, a flashlight, a night light. All of these sources of light, however small, shed just enough light to provide direction. It keeps me from injuring myself, the baby (and Selah). Light reduces danger.

This is true not only in physical aspects, but spiritual as well. Ephesians 5:14 addresses the “fruitless deeds of darkness” mentioned in the previous verse. Simply put, it addresses sin. I have found myself in this cycle of being comfortable in my sin, comfortable in trying to do what I want to do, when and how I want to do it. Comfortable in darkness. Then, I wonder where God is and why He is silent when I seek direction and clarity. I question where He is in times of “darkness.” Where is His light?

His words? “Wake up.” Notice, the waking precedes the shining. The acknowledgement of my sin and my determination to do things my way, the confession of my “fruitless deeds”, my waking up from the death of self-sufficiency and arrogance – these things provide the opportunity for a deeper relationship with Him. Then, I walk in the Light.

May He shine on,

Kim

Week 11 -What a Friend

This week the hymn “What a Friend” kept playing in my mind. I believe the lyrics by Joseph Scriven speak for themselves, so I refrain from elaboration. Here they are:

What a Friend

What a friend we have in Jesus,

all our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry

everything to God in prayer!

O what peace we often forfeit,

O what needless pain we bear,

all because we do not carry

everything to God in prayer.

2. Have we trials and temptations?

Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged;

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful

who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness;

take it to the Lord in prayer.

3. Are we weak and heavy laden,

cumbered with a load of care?

Precious Savior, still our refuge;

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?

Take it to the Lord in prayer!

In his arms he'll take and shield thee;

thou wilt find a solace there.

Lyrics by Joseph Scriven, 1820-1886