The Fly

Ever been distracted? Totally, absolutely, distracted (and frustrated) by a fly?  That is my current situation. In the midst of trying to complete a paper, this persistent, pesky little fly keeps landing in my vicinity. Always within eyesight, never within reach. And, this has been going on for a few hours now. I have a towel poised in my lap, waiting for the right time to strike. Yet the time never comes. He keeps eluding me. In the meantime, I’m wasting time. Not focusing on the important thing, the task at hand, the thing that really matters - my paper.

That’s sort of how life is isn’t it? We find ourselves occupied by things that really don’t matter. In the grand scheme of things what does God care about the house we build, the car we buy, the money we make, the prestige we have, whose name(s) we wear on our shoes, clothes, phones, etc. There is eternity at hand. Why do we pursue the things that are always in our eyesight – yet never, or at best, occasionally within our reach? But even when we get them…

Like this dang fly. Even after (if) I kill him, there’ll be another. Yet another thing to distract me. The key is the focus, perspective. Look at Paul…

 “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:7-9, 13, 14).

Now, back to my paper...

Pressing to rest,

Kim

End of Self

Last weekend I got together with a group of friends that I met in Dallas 11 years ago. This trip to Philly marked the first “girls time” we’d had in 6 years.  Had a blast! The last six years have been marked by several changes: new ministries, new cities, new jobs, a new baby, a new man J.

 

As we reminisced, I realized how much we had walked thru with one another.  Health issues (one received a successful liver transplant several years ago, and survived 3 bouts with cancer),  “colorful” dating experiences, heartbreak, marriages, starting new ministries, birth (we were ALL in the birthing room while the first one of us to have baby was in labor.  Don’t worry, we were ushered out before the big event!), even death. What I realized is that we have each seen, experienced, walked thru, and prayed thru some amazing difficulties. And in response, we’ve seen God do some amazing things.

 

On the last night together, we talked about where we are currently- emotionally, spiritually, physically. One phrase came to my mind - “end of self”.  As each one of us shared, I realized that there is something going on in each of our lives that would require the “end of self”.  We’ve all been there before. We’ve seen it in each others’ eyes in the past. We know what God can do with it, SEEN Him do it before. But still…

 

How does the “end of self” look, you ask?

 

The end of self looks like Hannah who after years of infertility and emotional torture at the hand of her “rival” “In bitterness of soul…wept much and prayed to the Lord.” (1 Samuel 1)

 

The end of self looks like David who while fleeing from his son Absalom writes “To the Lord I cry aloud, and He answers me from His holy hill…Arise O Lord, Deliver me, O my God!”  (Psalm 3:3,7)

 

The end of self looks like the woman who had been subject to bleeding for 12 years, and after spending all that she had on doctors, determined that she would push thru the crowd for she knew “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed” (Matthew 9:20-22)

 

The end of self looks like the Canaanite woman, whose daughter was demon-possessed, crying out, “Lord, Son of David have mercy on me!” And even after Christ’s response telling her that He came for the Jews first (“It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs” ), she persisted with “Yes, Lord, but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from the master’s table.” (Matthew 15:21-28)

 

The end of self looks like Peter who after he stepped out to walk on water, saw the wind and beginning to sink, cried out “Lord, save me” (Matthew 14:25-31)

 

The end of self is the end of our self-determination, self-reliance, self-preservation, self-confidence, self-image, even self-control.

 

It is coming to the realization that we can do nothing apart from God and must abide in Him. (John15).

 

It is not being anxious about anything but in prayer and petition with thanksgiving presenting our requests to Him. (Philippians 4)

 

It is seeking first the kingdom of God…and not worrying about tomorrow because tomorrow really has enough worries of its own. (Matthew  6)

 

It is recognizing that the God who feeds the sparrow, also knows the hairs on our heads.

 

 It is keeping our eyes on Jesus who is the Author and Finisher of our faith. (Hebrews 12)

 

What is the end of self? It is the overwhelming realization that I alone cannot change my circumstances. Not the head knowledge of this fact, but the “deep in my heart and soul and all that is within me” realization. It’s the “Lord I can’t take it any more” realization. It the realization that drives the lyrics of this hymn home:

 

I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord, No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

   I need thee O, I need thee, every hour, I need thee, O bless me now my Savior, I come to thee.

I need thee every hour, in joy or pain; Come quickly and abide or life is vain.

  I need thee O, I need thee, every hour, I need thee, O bless me now my Savior, I come to thee.  (Annie Hawks, 1872) 

Struggling to rest in His Sovereignty,

Kim

Pondering God's Sovereignty

I've pondered something lately. Why do we only talk about God's sovereignty when things aren't well?

The loss of a job. "God is sovereign, He has something better planned." The loss of a child. "Rest in God's sovereignty, He knows your pain. He knows what He's doing." Struggling with life, finances, relationships, etc. "God is in control. He knows all, rules all..."

I'm starting to believe that part of my struggle with God's sovereignty isn't necessarily with His sovereignty at all. I'm starting to see that a significant issue is with my interpretation of His sovereignty.

Webster defines sovereignty as "supreme power especially over a body politic; freedom from external control; controlling influence; one that exercises supreme authority". Supreme is defined as "highest in rank or authority...degree or quality...ultimate, final".

Applying these definitions, God is the highest in rank and authority, in degree and quality. He is free from external control and is the ultimate controlling influence in the universe. He does not report to anyone, nor does He ask for permission to do anything. He sustains all. He is.

Paul states it this way, "The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.'For in him we live and move and have our being.'" (Acts 17:24-28)

Seems to me that is nothing to fear, nothing to fight. Yet, I do. I fear His control because it means that I am not. But honestly, I'm double-minded. I have no problem when the "living and moving" works in my favor. When He didn't heal my mother and she died, I spent years in "masked" anger. Yes, that was His Sovereignty. When He allowed me to meet my husband, graciously under some of the circumstances that I prayerfully requested years prior, that too was His Sovereignty. 

I'm slowly beginning to realize that resting in God's Sovereignty is going to require a paradigm shift. God is Sovereign. Period. When I get the new job. God is Sovereign. When I lose one. He's Sovereign. When it's sunny. He's Sovereign. When I'm caught in a storm. He's Sovereign.  When life goes how I want. God's Sovereign. When life sucks. The God who made the world and everything in it is Sovereign. Period. And I'll strive to remember that "God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us..." 

Still learning to rest,

Kim 

Missing God

“…For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose”

Philippians 2:1

What do you know about missing God? Not missing Him as though He has gone away, but missing Him in action. I've had that experience quite a bit lately.

I’ve been so focused on what God has not done yet, that I’ve completely missed what He's been doing. If I’m honest, I tend to miss God when He doesn’t answer my prayers the way I expect (ok let’s be real- the way I want). But, He answers -according to His good purpose for my life. That’s where I missed it.

After coming out of the classroom, I expected God to have another opportunity waiting for me right around the corner. I’ve seen that before. As a matter of fact, every time I’ve moved to another state (and thus into another job/school) that has been the pattern. I get restless, I pray, He tells me to prepare to leave, I question, He confirms, I leave, He provides. And, I live “happily ever after” until the next time the pattern emerges. True to form, the pattern emerged. I got restless, prayed, left and….

A year and a half later, I’m still waiting on the provision. Or so I thought. As it turns out, I’ve simply missed the provision. After two days of darkness, crying, moping, complaining (i.e. a temper tantrum), my sweet husband comes home and asks a simple question “Do you want God’s will for our lives?” Light bulb! I’d missed it!

In January (yep January) I sensed I needed to schedule a meeting with someone. Two months later I finally did it, only he spent the majority of the time telling me I needed to go back to school, where to go, etc. Not interested. A few months prior, a friend of mine mentioned the exact same thing. Got the exact same response, “Uh, nope, not interested." Turns out, God was beginning to work in me to will according to His good purpose. Missed Him.

I was frustrated because I wanted to find a new career, a new calling, and those doors didn’t open. God granted me part time opportunities that took care of our needs, but allowed me the emotional rest and healing I didn’t know I would need. (The miscarriage was confirmed the day I was due back to start school – how would I have survived that year?) Missed Him.

I was overwhelmed by the fact that I didn’t connect with any of the jobs I’d come across. Mind you, I am not afraid of work. And, I have desires of how I want to serve. God said that I’m not ready yet. There is more preparation needed – school is a part of that. Missed Him.

I’ve complained about not being able to do/get everything I’ve wanted. Yet, God has provided all that we have needed – with a few wants thrown in just because.

Missed Him.

Oh, and the kicker? I just realized that I actually started this degree program about 13 years ago, but the timing wasn’t right. There were other things God needed to do in my life. Now, going back to school for counseling makes much more sense. Thirteen years ago, the desire was there, now some of the life experiences have caught up. Now for the training…

So, how are you missing God? What things are you believing in Him to provide that it seems He hasn’t done, at least not how you’d like? How has He answered, but not quite how you expected? I’ve spent useless energy and time in frustration simply because I’ve missed Him. I haven’t trusted that He really is working in me to will and to act according to His good purpose. Not just any purpose, but His GOOD one. I’ve missed it. Oh, and the next verse in Philippians says “Do everything without grumbling and complaining…” I've blown that, but that’s another blog…

Still learning about…

Resting in His Sovereignty,

Kim

Sovereign Rest

I'm finally doing it. Blogging.  

Over the years I have come to realize that I struggle with the issue of God's sovereignty. I know He is Supreme Ruler over all in charge of everything everywhere all the time. I know it, believe it...and yet fight it. Submission has always been a challenge for me (bless Reggie's heart). I don't have a problem with the idea of submission. I really think it's a great idea (I know, it's a biblical mandate). I have a problem with the thought of not being in control. That's where my struggle with sovereignty comes in. I am not in control. So, God is taking me on this journey (lifelong I'm sure), where He is teaching me that instead of painstakingly fighting Him, I can choose to peacefully rest in His sovereignty.  Join me...

Building Houses and Planting Gardens - THEN (Pt. 1)

This post is the result of a journal entry written last August.  It was intended to be a newsletter...never made it...

Building houses and planting gardens… that’s what Reggie and I are doing these days. Not literally, but in a biblical sense. To understand what this phrase means, let me take you back to the days of Jeremiah. Often, Christians quote Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you…” as encouragement during times of frustration, difficulty, or confusion. Appropriately so. However, there is a preface - an introduction if you will – when we look at that verse in context... 

“This is the text of the letter that the prophet Jeremiah sent from Jerusalem to the surviving elders among the exiles and to the priests, the prophets and all the other people Nebuchadnezzar had carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon… It said: 

  4 This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: 5 "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. 6 Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. 7 Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.”   

Jeremiah, being led by the Holy Spirit, penned these words when God's chosen, Judah, was in exile.  Years prior, God, through Moses promised that He would reward their faithfulness, but unfaithfulness would result in exile. Thus, after generations of grace and mercy (and warnings) the people of Judah find themselves in exile – in a land not their own, with people not their own. God’s people - frustrated, confused and finally drawn to the Lord.

While Reggie and I do not find ourselves in a physical “exile”, we are finding ourselves in a state of frustration and confusion. Trusting in God’s leading, I have stepped out of teaching full-time– again – waiting to see where He leads me next. Reggie is in a “holding pattern”– having identified some of his passions and giftedness, yet waiting on God to open doors for them to be exercised fully. Just when my “holding pattern” seemed to make sense as we found out we were expecting a baby, we miscarried. So, while we are not physically in “Babylon”, emotionally we are in a “foreign” land of instability and like the Jews, we are waiting on the Lord.

Yet, while we are here we are called to “build houses and plant gardens…” Not sit idle while we wait for the next “official” ministry opportunity, assignment or job. Not twiddle our thumbs as we eagerly look forward to a future pregnancy. But we are to “build and plant” right where we are, in our exile. Simply put, we are to live. And while we are living in exile, Jeremiah comforts us with these words…

“10 This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." (emphasis mine).

So while we sit in exile, building and planting, we take comfort in knowing that we will not always be in this place. We are encouraged to know that even when we are clueless, God knows the plans He has for us. We are overwhelmed by His grace. And, we are humbly reminded by the reality that in the midst of it all, our desires, our hopes and our plans, ultimately God’s desire is that we will call upon Him, pray to Him, and seek Him –  with all our hearts. Then He will be found. 

Resting in His Sovereignty

Kim

"Building Houses and Planting Gardens - NOW" (Pt. 2) coming soon...